LSQ's 5-Minute Fridays: Mar. 12, 2010

On this minicast from the LSQ Movie Review, Hey Zeus makes Schwez feel bad for not having a brother, Cory does his best Mario impression, and Schwez takes too long as they choose between Green Zone, Remember Me, She's Out of My League, and Our Family Wedding.

Cory vs. Concert Goers, Part 1

There’s a general rule of thumb when you’ve paid over thirty bucks to see one of your favorite or even not-so-favorite bands play their hearts out on stage: don’t be a dick. It’s fairly simple really. Someone should look into handing out complimentary "What Would Jesus Do" bracelets changed to read DBAD as a helpful reminder when tearing their tickets. Now, an astute observer would say “Hey, that helpful bracelet reminder sounds an awful lot like 'Be Bad!' Not ‘don’t be a dick!’”, and if you made that observation, well, ignore that because these people are not nearly as astute as you. *Thumbs up!* Also, if it reads DBAD, you can adjust the acronym to your liking: don’t be a douche, don’t be a dummy, don’t be a dumb-dick, etc.

I’ve been doing concert security for almost seven years and I would like to think I know what I’m doing by now. You’d be amazed at how many people would like to argue this point with me. Since I do very much know what I’m doing (and I even know what you should not be doing) I’ll take the time to make a brief guide to surviving a concert, because you, sir, don’t have a clue.

Chapter 1: The Pat Down
Almost every concert I do security for requires every single person to be frisked, which is sadly not nearly as enjoyable for me as it sounds. Go to your next rock concert in town and you’ll see what I mean. Here are the tips to making it past me as soon as you step inside the door:

A. Don’t bring weapons.
One would think weapons are obviously a very, very bad idea to bring. At which point is a knife something you absolutely need to listen to music? While I understand that in the Midwest, carrying a pocketknife is next on the checklist to have on your person (right after chewin’ tobaccie and corncob pipe) it is not recommended for a concert. I’ll take it from you because you don’t need it, so don’t get all huffy and puffy about it. You’ve had fair warning.

Not everyone brings a just a pocketknife; I’ve scored switchblades (illegal) and hunting knives longer than your favorite gay porn star (unnecessary?). While I’ve never confiscated a gun, I have taken a large lighter in the form of a revolver, and I think I did this guy a favor. I can imagine him taking that out to light a cigarette and getting tackled by nearly every security guard, police officer, and probably a few concert goers as well. You’re welcome!

B. Don’t bring drugs.
OK, this one is a little harder to enforce as people are quite clever and desperate to smoke a J at a concert. I get it. You were probably spawned in a sweaty, smoky Volkswagen van while your parents blared Hendrix; it’s in your genes. But, really now, how desperately do you need to be high? I’ve taken more than five joints off of one guy, ONE FRIGGIN’GUY! If you don’t want to remember the concert that badly, don’t go! Stay home, smoke a bowl, order a pizza, get some Funyuns, Cheetos, Doritos, and burritos. And water… a whole lot of water. Or, you can smoke a lot right before you get there and leave your stash at home; I don’t care. But know in advance that I’ll take it if I find it. No, I’m not a narc, and no it’s not for myself. I’m just doing my job. Deal with it sucka!

C. Don’t wear chains or spikes.
So you think you’re pretty cool with all that bling don’t ya? Congratulations, you look like a toolbag (Sorry, DJ)! Can’t have that either, and this is to my personal benefit, which I will get to in part two.

D. Please shower and wear clean clothes, for once.
If you reek of sweat, welfare, and Steel Reserve and you haven’t even entered the sweaty mass of grossness yet, I really wouldn't want to be around your funk once you leave. Patting down means I have to physically put my hands on you, and if they keep sliding off (even with my gloves on) it's time to have a nice long look in mirror, which incidentally you have in your bathroom, right next to the shower.

Stay tuned for Part 2!

Episode 15 - Joe's Making Sounds Like a Zombie

It's another LSQ Double Feature as the guys (and special guest Slapjack Johnson) get together to talk about The Crazies and Cop Out and learn the difference between blood-bourne and water-bourne viruses, try to join the '14 U.S. curling team, have some unanswered questions about pregnancy, get weirded out by a pool, debate the role of poachers in an anarchic setting, figure out just how big of a bomb you'd need to wipe a town off the map, and work on our Kevin Costner impressions while Schwez takes some unnecessary risks just to look cool, Hey Zeus learns his directions, Joe wonders how to spell "civilian", and Cory rages against Hollywood for trying to make Iowa southern.

We here at The LSQ Movie Review were saddened to learn of the untimely death of fellow podcaster Andrew Koenig of Never Not Funny. If you'd like to make a donation in Andrew's name, please visit U.S. Campaign for Burma or visit http://www.pardcast.com for more information. You can also help support the Never Not Funny family by subscribing to the free feed through iTunes or with a paid subscription. Koenig was a special part of the podcast community and he will be missed.

3:31 - Andrew Koenig Tribute
10:27 - The Crazies
48:45 - Cop Out

Thanks to this week's sponsor Prescott Pharmaceuticals. Visit their site for more information.

You can e-mail the show at lsqpodcast@gmail.com, follow us on Twitter at @LSQPodcast, and read our blog at lsqpodcast.blogspot.com.

Theme song:
New Found Glory - King of Wishful Thinking

Opening song:
Keane - A Bad Dream

LSQ's 5-Minute Fridays: Mar. 5, 2010

On this minicast from the LSQ Movie Review, Anne Shorter makes a lifelong enemy of Hey Zeus. Meanwhile, Cory and Schwez once again bring up their favorite movies to talk about instead of the actual topic (Piranha 3-D and Speed Racer, respectively), and Joe and Cory become lightning brothers, and finally, the LSCrew picks between Alice in Wonderland and Brooklyn's Finest.

Episode 14 - Ernest Goes to Perdition

We missed out on seeing Shutter Island this week, but we make it up by doing a retrospective on Shutter Island star Leonardo DiCaprio, as well as consider going full retard, try to find the black people, invest in some new jewelry, trademark Hanks, rebel against movie crazes, start a world-wide Fight Club, find out who exactly Whoopi Goldberg fondled, confuse Teddy for Franklin Roosevelt, and accidentally skip over Romeo + Juliet. Plus, games!

5:40 - What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
7:24 - The Basketball Diaries
8:17 - Marvin's Room
9:35 - Titanic
10:13 - The Man in the Iron Mask
13:09 - Celebrity
13:23 - The Beach
13:38 - Catch Me If You Can
15:16 - Gangs of New York
17:39 - The Aviator
20:06 - Blood Diamond
21:03 - The Departed
23:54 - Body of Lies
25:00 - Revolutionary Road
26:06 - Shutter Island
28:17 - Inception
29:59 - The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt
31:15 - Untitled Mel Gibson Viking Movie
32:55 - Title Tag

Thanks to this week's sponsor KrebStar. Visit http://pnp.norecess.org/kreb.html for more information.

You can e-mail the show at lsqpodcast@gmail.com, follow us on Twitter at @LSQPodcast, and read our blog at lsqpodcast.blogspot.com.

Theme song:
New Found Glory - King of Wishful Thinking

Opening song:
Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated

America's Worst Civil War Since That One Like 200 Years Ago

History is rife with civil wars, be it the American Civil War of the 19th century, the Spanish Civil War, or Marvel Comics' superhero Civil War. Lines in the sand are drawn and people are forced to choose a side.

Cap was Team Jacob. Iron Man was Team Edward.

January's Tonight Show Wars forced people to choose between Team CoCo and Team Leno. And the people almost unanimously sided with Conan O'Brien, the then current host of The Tonight Show. Leno was quickly vilified by the Internet, the entertainment community, and his late night peers.

But who were the real villains in this scenario? Obviously Conan was not, since he didn't create the situation; he just reacted to it. Was Leno to blame? NBC? The answer is simple. Yes, NBC was to blame. But so are you.

The other three fingers point back at you, internet!

Now, I'm no Jay Leno apologist. I fall into a very unique demographic: old enough to remember The Tonight Show in it's glory years under Johnny Carson but young enough that Conan's stint at Late Night appealed to me. I grew up, on the rare occasions my parents would allow me, watching Carson who was followed by Letterman's Late Night. They were the undisputed kings of late night, and the ratings reflected that.

Trust us, this is much funnier than "Jaywalking"

The Tonight Show has had a series of controversies regarding hosting duties. Frequently during his tenure Carson would take extended vacations and have his permanent guest host Joan Rivers fill in. Carson had acted as mentor to Rivers as she was coming up, with Carson often referring to her as his "daughter." Everything seemed in place for Rivers to take over for Carson when he retired: backing from the current host, the blessing of the network, and approval from the audience. However, that close tie between the two comedians was severed when, in 1986, FOX offered Rivers the opportunity to host her own late night show on their network, which Rivers promptly accepted. Carson saw this as a complete betrayal, going so far as refusing to speak to Rivers again. The Late Show with Joan Rivers tanked and she was subsequently fired after only a few months.

And yet FOX allows this to continue

As the years went on, it seemed that when Carson was to retire he would be handing the reins of The Tonight Show over to his new protege David Letterman. But suddenly NBC swooped in and gave the show to Carson's new permanent guest host Jay Leno, which prompted Letterman to leave NBC and directly compete with Leno's Tonight Show on CBS' The Late Show.

Letterman would continue to get screwed, just in a different way

To some the choice between Letterman and Leno was the same as between The Beatles and the Rolling Stones. McDonalds and Burger King. Mac and PC.

I side with John Hodgman. He's wearing a suit.
Justin Long can't even afford a haircut.

For me, the choice is easy. Letterman, Stones, and Mickey D's.

Leno's softer brand of comedy, however, played well in the conservative Midwest, earning him higher ratings than Letterman almost the entire time they competed.

Meanwhile, former Simpsons and Saturday Night Live writer and ginger kid Conan O'Brien succeeded Letterman as host of NBC's Late Night. His edgy brand of comedy, including such characters as the Masturbating Bear, Pimpbot, and Triumph the Insult Comic, along with his self-deprecating humor and alternative tastes in music made up for his lack of interviewing skills while making him popular with a demographic Leno was not: college-aged and high school students.

He was like unto a superhero. With a robot sidekick!

Then in 2004, for no real reason, NBC announced in 2009 Leno would be departing The Tonight Show and leaving it in the hands of O'Brien.

Even though Leno's ratings continued to dominate the competition.

Even though O'Brien would have to be tempered to play to an earlier and wider audience.

And even though NBC had no way of predicting the climate of television four years in the future.

They couldn't even keep track of Matt Lauer

What exactly changed the television landscape in those intervening years?

Digital Video Recording machines (DVRs) had been around since the late 90's, and as the price went down their usage went up. The ability to record one's favorite shows and watch them at leisure was the first death knell of late night talk shows. When do most DVR owners watch their recorded programming? Before they go to sleep, during the Tonight Show's time slot.

DVD sales climbed as well, and as they did more and more TV series were released to disc.

Oddly, it was not one of these shirtless gentlemen that made the sex-tape

Then came YouTube with Hulu quickly following: a pair of websites that allowed users to watch video and broadcast television shows for free 24/7. Now anyone with an internet connection could watch whatever they wanted when ever they wanted.

We make the same face as Fred when forced to watch him

Soon, appointment TV was a thing of the past. With the complete freedom from a strict television schedule, viewership for network TV dropped.

But it wasn't just advances in technology and the mode of delivery that killed late night talk shows.

This certainly didn't help

The main appeal of late night talk shows like The Tonight Show was that, in the glory days of Carson, the mass public didn't have access to the celebrities they loved. They could watch their movies, listen to their music, but that was as close as they could get.

Until they appeared on Carson. Then we got to see who they really were and not just as characters on the screen. We learned about their lives. But with the advent of celebrity gossip blogs we were learning everything about their lives all the time. Suddenly celebrities were too accessible. Who was going to stay up to watch their apperances on late night talk shows when the information we wanted was just a few mouse-clicks away?

As well as images that would haunt our nightmares

Soon celebrities' appearances on Letterman, Leno, and Conan ceased to be about them and became more about the next project they were plugging.

Or their burgeoning rap careers

Some people wonder why these late night talk shows are so important to the networks. The simple answer is that they are lead-in by the news, or in the case of Leno's prime-time disaster The Jay Leno Show, lead in for the news.

Affiliates depend on a good lead-in for their local news broadcasts because the news is where stations earn their money. E.R. was a resounding success for NBC and it's affiliates because an audience of millions watched the show and stuck around for their local news which then lead directly into The Tonight Show, keeping almost every pair of those eyes glued to the same channel.

Then 2009 rolled around. Leno was ousted from the The Tonight Show as per their contract with O'Brien and NBC tried to make it up to Leno by putting him in front of the news during prime time. This would prove to be a costly mistake, though not because of the host.

To make room for The Jay Leno Show on their prime time schedule, NBC cut five-hours worth of scripted programming, a move which cost thousands of jobs and resounded through Hollywood.

No one was more upset about our cancellation than Urkel

Leno has always provided good numbers (ratings) for NBC, but those numbers he put up during his 11:30 time slot with The Tonight Show were a pale comparison to what scripted programs during 10:00 did. And while Leno held on to his previous 11:30 numbers at his earlier time he was getting trounced by the competition's prime time programming and what NBC had previously shown at 10:00 pm.

The drop-off in NBC's evening viewership had a ripple effect on the shows proceeding him, starting at the local news, through to Conan, making their way through to NBC's morning show The Today Show. Most viewers, when they turn off their TVs at night, turn their TVs back on in the morning. And what channel they're watching when they turn it off is the same one when they turn it back on. Leno's show wasn't just losing money for his time slot, it was losing money for the affiliates and everyone around him.

Television, like every other facet of entertainment, is a business. The sole purpose of television programming is to keep you the viewer watching between commercial breaks for the next batch of commercials.

Or, failing that, they turn the commercials into shows

If people aren't tuning in to watch those 30-second bits of marketing the network doesn't make money since broadcast television is free to the public and advertisers pay their salaries.

Why was Leno given the show in the first place? NBC didn't want to let him go. He was a top money-maker for the network.

And they had signed Conan to ensure he wouldn't depart for greener pastures at FOX.

NBC wanted to keep both hosts under contract but didn't have enough air-time for both of them.

It's like if Neo had taken both pills then kicked Morpheus in the balls

With two hosts, one of whom was contractually guaranteed the Tonight Show job and the other a cash cow, NBC tried to hold onto both and hope the situation wouldn't implode. Leno had no plans to retire from The Tonight Show in 2009 and enjoyed hosting the show. Conan had stuck around only because of the promise NBC had made. And with Leno's prime-time show becoming a national punchline, NBC tried to rectify the situation by bumping The Tonight Show back a half-hour so The Jay Leno Show could play more for a late night audience.

It was a desperate attempt to continue to keep both men under contract and on the air under the guise of "appeasing the affiliates" when in actuality they were actually trying to secure the network financially for their upcoming sale to Comcast.

Conan refused to move back to 12:00, seeing The Tonight Show as an institution that NBC was mucking with, and he wouldn't be the one to mess with that institution.

A line in the sand was drawn, and people chose their sides. Most of the entertainment industry sided with Conan while corporate interest resided with Leno. Jimmy Fallon, who took over Late Night from O'Brien when he departed, suddenly was thrust in the position of choosing between his show's former host and the company he worked for and wisely kept his mouth shut.

The new location of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon's studio

Meanwhile Facebook, Twitter, and millions of blogs were aflutter with almost unanimous support for Conan. Team CoCo rallies were organized (and poorly attended).

The best attended CoCo rally

Others changed their Twitter or Facebook profile pictures to the Team CoCo logo.

NBC CEO Jeff Zucker: Not a member of Facebook

NBC was faced with the choice between Conan, who under his tenure the The Tonight Show was losing money for the first time in 50 years, and Leno, who was a proven success on the show, as to who would host the show since O'Brien refused to get bumped later. So NBC, risking pissing off literally dozens of Tonight Show fans, and the better business decision (finally) and chose Leno, buying out Conan's contract for $40 million.

NBC was obviously at fault in the debacle, and because of the fallout suffered a tarnished image. But as I said earlier, the network was not alone in being at fault.

You thought I forgot about you, didn't you, America?

If only a small percentage of the people pledging their support to Conan on the internet had bothered to support him by actually watching Conan's Tonight Show, NBC, Leno, and Conan wouldn't have been in the awkward position in the first place. They would have instead canceled the Jay Leno experiment and hired Leno as an elevator operator.

Unfortunately, the weight limit combined with Leno's chin would mean he could only take one person at a time

The internet is quick to hop on a bandwagon but slow to do anything that would actually tangibly help the causes they support.

Surprisingly, Twitter is not a heavily trafficked site in fucking Iran

Leno is set to return to The Tonight Show once the Winter Olympics have concluded. Conan, as per a stipulation in NBC's buyout, is barred from hosting another television show until September 2010, though he is currently preparing a college tour where he will speak about his experience. A safe bet places O'Brien hosting a late night show for FOX which will, through no fault of his own, probably get trounced in the ratings by Letterman and Leno.

As it stands, the one thing we can learn from this whole mess is that with the demise of The Jay Leno show, NBC will need to create five more hours of programming to fill the vacant 10:00 pm slot...

LSQ's 5-Minute Fridays: Feb. 26, 2010

Tensions are high in this minicast from the stars of The LSQ Movie Review as the LSCrew compares and contrasts Josh Duhamel and Timothy Olyphant as well as The Crazies and Cop Out.