Watch TV with Schwez: Lost Season 1

I am a HUGE fan of television shows. Don't read that as I watch a lot of TV or even that I watch everything that is on. I just have a knack for finding TV shows that are off the air but were really good. It's not a bad thing my favorite shows aren't on television anymore: it gives me a chance to sit down and watch an entire season or even series in one big helping. I hate reality TV and think that it is what is wrong with TV programming today. A lot like how Lady GaGa is a great example of everything that is wrong with pop music today: media outlets believe that sex sells, period. Which it does, but even more so, so does a gripping story, fantastic acting, and rich interesting characters (something that Hollywood is just starting to pick up on with movies). There are way too many TV shows out there that I have never watched but that are more then likely mindblowing. A list of some of my favorites include:

DEXTER (all seasons)
FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS (season 1 is a must see. The rest of the series starts getting watered down but I still enjoy it)
OVER THERE (got cut off after the first season)
CALIFORNICATION (all seasons)
FREAKS AND GEEKS (got cut off after the first season)
STUDIO 60 (not for everyone but is Matthew Perry's best performance - unfortunately it got cut off before the end the first season)
PARENTHOOD (just finished season 1 and was amazing)
SPARTACUS (just finished season 1. It's not for everyone but if you think a cross between Gladiator and 300 would be cool, you'll enjoy this over the top show)
THE OFFICE (all seasons - and the British version starring Ricky Gervais as Steve Carrell's character is equally funny but sadly only 14 episodes)
FRINGE (all seasons but, like Lost, you should start from the beginning or be... lost the entire time)
VENTURE BROTHERS (I have nothing to say other than I really like cartoons)
ITS ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADEPHIA (all seasons... simply put: hilarious)
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT (all seasons)
SOUTH PARK (what can I say... I just love those kids)

Now, the rules of the game are simple: I have my handy dandy Blackberry sitting with me as I watch whatever show I am doing... in this case it's Lost season 1. You will notice I have kept thoughts brief as I write them down quickly while the show is playing and while I think of them. Think of it as a 'Mystery Science Theater 3000' but in text form. So they go in order and you can see what I am thinking as I watch the show. I've never watched an episode of Lost in my life until now. You'll have to trust me on that as I can't prove it but why would I lie? I wanted to see if the series finale was good before I decided to set to the task of watching all six seasons. My pet peeve with a series is a terrible series finale like The Sopranos. I refuse to put myself through that again, so after the green light from my friends with the finale, I knew what I had to do... get lost in LOST.

Matthew Fox is awesome as Jack - wasn't a fan of his other then in Speed Racer till now

Hurley is fat. Why does Locke look like Randy Quaid? Is one of the twists in Lost that Locke turns out to be a Quaid brother?

Kate is hottttttttt HOTHOTHOT hotttttttt

Locke is the coolest character EVER

Michael needs to grow his dreads back......I didn't know his cool rating rested on top of his head like that (Romeo and Juliet, Oz, The Edge) he does however NEED to settle down, he's the most high strung of them all

Boone looks like he belongs on Fox's The O.C....laaaaamest character, I'm calling it out in episode 5 season 1

NEVER ask Sawyer to give you a mercy killing....who the hell shoots someone in the chest to kill them quick?!?!

This show goes from creepy, to drama, to funny, to scary and back to creepy 52,000 times an episode

Claire is kinda cute in a hippy way, I'd probably ask her to be my valentine... or at least do her...

When the baby comes I hope its not distracting to the story and annoying like TV show babies can get

Oh god, either kill Shannon or make her easier to like... she's close to being in the same boat as her tool brother

Oh.....they aren't actually related and they have a Luke and Lea thing going on.....weeeeeeeeird

Sawyer is only tolerable when he is around Kate and oddly enough, I have no preference on Jack or Sawyer for her I just wanna see her get nakey with someone, it could be Hurley for all I care

Romeo and Juliet is the only thing Michael has been in that a bear attack hasn't ensued. I wanted him to break the 4th wall and say something about having practice with bear attacks before when the polar bear was attacking him and his son

Are a bunch of people going to die eventually cuz there are a TON of expendable characters sitting around everywhere

I like when they have the character you'll be flashing back with wake up to a close up of their eye.....very neato - it would be cool if it ended with Jack closing his eyes in the series finale, very poetic

'You will find me in the next life if not this one' - poetically awesome... who wouldn't search out a hot exotic with a creative flair for writing....you go Sayid

Jack just beat the ever loving shit out of Charlie (the dude from Lord of the Rings)

Well that solves the Claire/baby problem - gone with the creepy dude acting like one of them...waaaaaaay creepy reveal on there being an extra person in their camp, sadly I didn't see that coming but when Hurley said there were 46 people at camp and only 45 were survivors from the crash I almost peed

SWEET! Nice Star Trek joke bashing Shatner by JJ Abrams.....proof I'm a nerd when I think THAT'S ironic

I want to trust Locke but for some reason can't....he has done nothing but nice things so far yet does it all with an undertone of 'I will kill everyone and whistle happily while I skin the bodies like boars'

Kate wounded those 4 robbers in the bank Matrix style

Take note: don't tell Locke what he can't do... how many must be told?? There are like 40 people on a tiny island, people HAVE to be talking you'd think... he's probably told like 5 people this in the last hour

Hurley is fat but awesome... best back story so far haha

Hahahahahahaha Claire's baby daddy is the bad guy from Paul Blart???

HOLY shit, are all of them connected some how?? Hurley owns the box company Locke worked at?? AND Sawyer met Jack's dad before the crash... so they are all connected some how...

hmmmmmmm Sawyer is coming around

never mind...Sawyer is still a jack ass

Michael needs to settle down... the dude is just on TV but he stresses even ME out. If I were on the island I'd talk Locke into killing him so I could get some damn rest. Always going over to that Korean couple making trouble

Michael's kid better have psychic powers or something sweet like Professor X

How does Locke know these things?!?! He's like the jungle MacGuyver

If Locke loses the use of his legs I swear I will shut this off, I don't need to know what's in that hatch

Please please please say Boone died when that drug smuggler's plane went over the cliff... damn, he must be harder to kill then he looks cuz I feel like Charlie could smother him if he needed to... no offense, Charlie

Kate is hot, where has she been?

There we go, looks like Kate is going back to the charms of young Doc Jack

Hurley is awesome

Jack (aka: Mr. Gorilla Hands) returns as saving Boone entails an intense chest shot to the collapsed lung... I'm no doctor but it feels like beating on people's chests whenever they go unconscious may lead to malpractice but then again, I don't have a medical degree or daddy issues

No... don't find Shannon, she's busy doin it with Sayid and doesn't have time to save Boone

The Korean couple breaking up was the best thing for them.....they are way cool separately

How cliche... the doc is away and someone that doesn't have training now needs to deliver the baby...

I'd let Kate deliver my baby any day

Sayid was way cooler running around the jungle and torturing people before Shannon domesticated him... he's more whipped then anyone I've ever seen and he hasn't even gotten laid yet. Word of advice: Taste the goods first bro... that and never fly again if you make it off that island

New island rule needs to spread around so no one gets snapped at anymore: don't tell ANYONE what they can't do cuz that's like a nerve for every damn one of those people

Boone has DIED... yesssssssssssss! Now to go get Shannon killed and set Sayid free

Kate drugged Jack and then sat and watched him sleep - where I come from if the roles were reversed that's called rape

Locke can't die, he's the only one alive that knows about the hatch

"No self respected man goes anywhere in Iowa without beer" so true

Kate is hot, Hurley is fat.....that is all

So Kate's first love was with a doctor so Jack appeals to her but Sawyer is the bad boy and she can identify with him... now we have reason for a love triangle that will probably take us all the way to the Series Finale... you have 6 more seasons to choose, Kate, assuming everyone lives that long and if they don't you can always choose me

Here we go... young black professor X is about to kill crazy Ms. French in the woods... or just let her stroll in to the beach camp, that works too

Ms. French gives 3 choices: run, hide or die... what about having sex with Kate until your immediate doom?

So where the H has Michelle Rodriguez been? She's too famous and annoying to just be dead and not on the rest of the show - she shows up in a flashback of Jack's and says she's on the same flight, smells like setup for a new character to be found

Art the biology teacher has either signed up for his death OR signed up as a new main character by going with Jack

Jack and Sawyer need to decide to either be best friends or bitter enemies....this roller coaster thing is exhausting

Too many people with too MUCH baggage stranded on one island - in real life it would be terrible, I'd never make it... I'd almost for sure piss someone off on one of their 'crazy' days

Locke and Ms. French should hook up in some weird outdoor survival sex and sell it on the internet... not that I'd watch but don't tell me you wouldn't be curious to at least peek. They'd be carving sex toys out of plane wreckage and making sex swings out of branches and old twine they found in the woods... at least 2 boars would be hunted and killed during their fornication

New ending prediction: Vincent the dog eats Shannon and is the lone survivor... I could live with that

Sayid is just being nice Charlie, no one wants to give you a gun cuz you went Total Recall on a guy the last time you held one

So they call the old slave ship that got shipwrecked in the middle of the island...Black Rock?! Aaaaaaand everyone is OK with this... that's going to be an interesting conversation when they tell Michael what Ms. French decided to name that little landmark (psssst...Michael's black, guys, I know you're not in the civilized world anymore but maybe you could at least attempt to be more P.C.)

Oh Art, yes, make your little speech about how dangerous dynamite is while holding one... I'm gonna miss your awesome commentary about the other 'non-important' people on - OOPS there it is, Art has died

Does anyone else have problems empathizing with Shannon when they keep giving flashbacks of her being a biotch

Locke is the shit... asking the surgeon if he's ever played the game Operation and then 'buzzing' loudly to scare Jack while he's removing explosives - classic

have barely explored the island that is apparently HUGE - good thing M Night Shamalamadingdong isn't involved or the ending would probably be that they have been stranded on an inhabited island like Hawaii the whole time

There we go, now the rudder is gone and the boat will mysteriously float back to the island... ooooor Sawyer will save the day - no matter what they are still getting stranded on the island again eventually... 5 bucks says they don't get rescued floating out there

Grrrrrreat - Jack has fallen down more hills then anyone can count... literally every hill he's come across he's violently fallen and rolled down so of course he finds himself on one when they are carrying back dynamite to blow the hatch... "Drat, my arch nemesis and only weakness, a slow declining hill," he thought to himself

That's the 2nd time Locke has come face to face with whatever monster thing is in the woods... it sounds a lot like a machine - it better not be a ghost or I'll be pissed... something about the slaves dead unresting souls or something = LAME

These numbers are infuriating...its like watching 13 without all the crazy math

Jack better believe in destiny cuz it seems like destiny believes in him

"I ain't no hero" says Sawyer which is probably foreshadowing that he will die saving some people

I have come to terms that Locke will probably not be getting off the island... if he has a choice he will stay

THERE, now the raft is blown up and they have Michael's son...I knew they weren't leaving

Aw, flashback to all the characters that were alive for the season finale - touching, cliche, moving and it worked - well done...

...What's in the hatch.....dun dun DUUUUUUUN

So far I have to give Lost 5/5 stars for fantastic character development and good story. I realize I am waaaaaaaaay behind on this but it doesn't matter since I'm bored and haven't posted for some time, this kills two birds with one stone. I hope this was at least some what enjoyable...if not...I don't really care, it's your wasted five minutes and not mine, but if you did enjoy this Season 2 will be on the way.

G2: The New Gateway Drug

When people talk about being addicted to something they always say they fell into it without warning and were completely blindsided by the consequences of their own actions. When speaking of addictions with substances usually the substance of choice isn't what they try first. For example, you'll more than likely never see a future alcoholic decide to drink a bottle of scotch for their first ever taste of alcohol (underage stupidity not included). Likewise, a future heroin addict will probably never decide one day, without ever trying drugs, "Today is the day I will steal a few syringes from my diabetic little sister, and see what chasing the dragon feels like."

Go to any addiction group and you will hear a very important keywordin the life of a junkie/alcoholic/addictee: "gateway." Marijuana is labeled as a gateway drug because more than likely Mr. Heroin over there decided to try out this easy, simple and (nowadays) socially acceptable drug, and then decided, "Ya know, I'm just not fucked up enough...let's kick it up a notch."

BAM! I smoke rocks... I mean, its just powdered sugar.

I would go out on a limb and say beer would be the equivalent alcohol version of marijuana. Drink eight beers every night and you’re just the guy that likes to have a good time. Polish off a fifth of Jack every night and suddenly you’re the fat slob that has a drinking problem. But what about other substances besides alcohol and drugs... do they have a similar gateway? I can say with great certainty that Joe and myself are addicted to giant burritos, whether it be from Pablos, Pancheros, or Chipotle. Sorry, Joe, for throwing you under the bus but it’s an addiction, a disease and it’s not your fault. Admittance is the first step to recovery but who would want to recover from a delicious addiction like that? With an addiction like large, over-sized burritos there is no gateway, it’s just mostly dependent on whether or not you have a roommate, like I had with Joe, that loves to eat as much as you.

Joe and I testing out the new Panchero Burrito in a cup...

Until recently I despised Gatorade. I hated it because I always thought it was the most pointless drink there was. It has hardly any flavor; you might as well be drinking water. However, it doesn’t quench your thirst like water can because there is too much flavor. If I was parched and wanted to hydrate myself I would rather have water, and if I wanted a tasty treat I’d much rather have Kool-Aid.

The last girl I dated brought to my attention G2 Grape Gatorade. I don’t remember any specifics but I can only guess that I got thirsty and there were no refreshments around so I had to take a gulp from her Gatorade. Imagine my surprise when I realized that this beverage was actually delicious. I spent the next couple weeks weaning myself off soda (which is another addiction from which most of the U.S. suffers) by drinking massive amounts of this new wondrous discovery.

Our lawyers tell me that its legal to put this image up as long as I let you know that "G2 Gatorade Grape is refreshing and delicious with low calories. Its the perfect thirst quencher."

One day I went to the store before class to pick up my usual G2 Grape Gatorade and found that the gas station - the same gas station I had been going to for the last 2 weeks - was completely out of my Gatorade flavor. This either means that they have a person that does a terrible job on inventory or that it took me two weeks to single-handedly drink every last G2 Grape they had in stock and since it was just one guy drinking it they didn’t really care if they ran out.

I DRANK A WHOLE GAS STATION’S INVENTORY OF GATORADE, which I didn’t even like not two weeks prior. So now I really had no idea what to do. I needed my fix but I didn’t have time before class to stop at another gas station. So I took a deep breath and I picked out G2 Fruit Punch Gatorade, hoped for the best and took off (well, I paid first, then I took off. Don't start thinking my new addiction turned me into a thief like some other addictions). Suffice it to say it was equally delicious and I was now officially hooked on Gatorade. Over the next week I tried every G2 flavor that Gatorade made and didn’t come by one single flavor that I didn’t like just as much as the Grape. I quickly celebrated this amazing discovery and new addiction by doing what I always do when I get good news: I went to Pancheros and ate a giant celebratory burrito.

The sweet taste of victory

It was then that I realized that G2 Grape Gatorade was a gateway drink into the shady world of Gatorade that I probably will never come back from. Which, it turns out, is way better then drinking my two Mt. Dews a day I was before. Yes, I realize that that’s a lot but by now I think everyone should know that I have a very addictive personality, so when I find something I like I must have it as much as possible. I do it with movies and songs in the same way; I’ll find a movie or song I love and then I will proceed to watch or listen to it non-stop countless times until I can no longer even hear the name without wanting to punch someone. It seems, though, that the food and drink addictions that I suffer from usually never get old and they'll stick around until I find something that replaces them.

Here is a list of addictions that I suffer from:
Pancheros
Netflix
G2 Gatorade
Grinding my teeth while I drive
Video games
Sex
Blowjobs
Acting like I know how to make balloon animals (I do not - do not let me tell you I do)
Hiding like a ninja and scaring unknowing bystanders (generally friends in my own home)
Movies
Blogging about ridiculous things (this actually effects you the reader as you waste your time reading me)
Wal-Mart Southwest Black Bean Salsa
Facebook
Disc Golf
Glenlivet Scotch on the rocks/Roy Rogers (a hard drink and the pussiest drink you can order – I’m fans of both)

Looking over this list it occurs to me that a lot of my addictions are things that I just like to do, but make no mistake, every single thing on this list I do or think about at least five times a week. So with all of these addictions in life to worry about how are you to see the gateway substances that will usher you in to your new addiction-filled life?

You won’t: this is America… we don’t have time to pay attention to silly things like worrying if we are doing too much of something. American = Excessive Society… more or less it means if you're an American it means that you're already doing too much of whatever it is your worried about doing too much of.

America - FUCK YEAH!

I despise my love of Gatorade just like a heroin addict probably despises heroin. I spent 26 years hating Gatorade and thinking it was the worst beverage around before realizing my love of it. Because of this, every morning I go in and buy one. In my head I hate myself a little more each day. Do I hope to one day expel my love of Gatorade and revert back to my old hatred of it? More than you can ever know, but the drink tastes too damn good to get rid of. Just like I could never get rid of any of those things on that list above; I love them all so much.

It’s like asking a 5-year old which stuffed animal of his he doesn’t want anymore so we can throw it away. Some would call a person that asked a 5-year old that question a monster. Remember that the next time you decide ask someone to give up something they are addicted to, like Pancheros, sex, or Gatorade. Know that in their heads maybe they hate their addiction even more then you hate it. Someday Gatorade will no longer be in my life and I will be free of its liquidy goodness but until then… bottoms up.

A Special Note to Everyone: Thanks for supporting us so far, its been a lot of fun for my best friends and I to be able to entertain the way we do and we hope to do it more. Sooo... tell some friends about us and spread the word - if I can get 100 subscribers/followers to the blog I will take five shots of Everslear back to back and post the video on here. YIPPEE FOR EXCESS!

How I'm Going to be Rich

It's genius is in its pure simplicity… well, maybe it’s not simple but it is genius! Before I get into what my plan to retire early entails and never look back, I need to make one thing clear... it needs to be understood that I love girls. Love them, they are the bee's knees and anyone that hasn’t tried a piece of Earth’s greatest gift – the woman – needs to drop everything and give it a whirl (of course, make sure she is consenting since neither me, my lawyer, nor your anus will be responsible for what happens next if she’s not and you get thrown in prison, though I have a feeling the latter will be sorely displeased with you – yes, that was a play on words but also very true).

I’m a lover, not a fighter, always have and always will. If some "macho" man wants to spend his evening going to the bars to get his ultimate drink on and try getting his weekly aggression out on some poor fool in the wrong place at the wrong time, that’s fine. Not my style. Just know that I will be the one chatting up your lady while you flex your ego with your dude-bro hair and your Jersey Shore muscles. Women come in all different shapes and sizes with different personalities as well... generally every one of them is beautiful in some way or another.

Sometimes it’s a little harder to find the good at first glance…

Not to sound like a chauvinist pig or anything since I’m all for equal rights and am not trying to belittle women in any way, just saying that I’m a huge fan – keep up the good work ladies. It’s come to my attention, however, that fate has dropped a giant loop hole in the "get rich easy" section of life and I feel like I would be spitting in the face of destiny as well as kicking myself 30 years from now when I’m drunk, fat and alone with five dollars to my name for not taking advantage. So, it is with great pleasure that I be the first to publicly announce that I have decided to officially start dating two of my best friends: Cory and Hey Zeus.

Confused? Let me explain before you get all uppity and start writing your congressman and alerting the news media that not only am I starting a harem of dudes but that they also happen to be brothers. Maybe you’re wondering, “Hey, Schwez, I thought you were going to tell me how you were going to get rich and how come you made me waste four minutes of my life reading about how you like chicks so much when you have decided to date dudes?” Well, person that undoubtedly started reading this because they wanted to learn my secret "get rich" scheme and use it before I could, I will tell you. First off, "chicks" can be a derogatory name for women and they don’t like that much (now who's chauvinist?) so maybe you should call them"‘women," "ladies," or my favorite: "wench" (you girls can’t get mad at me for that last one... I got it from thesaurus.com when I put in "woman").

To get back to the point, what do Cory and Hey Zeus have in common? Besides having yours truly as a loving best friend, the same giant Cheshire Cat smiles, the same toolbox need to drive Jeep Grand Cherokees around despite the ever rising costs of gas and the same genes that will eventually make them look like Captain Jean Luke Picard?

You can say hair doesn’t grow on your head because your brain is so big and powerful... it's what Professor X does and try calling him bald.

They both have dated girls, whom after the break-up, have won $25,000 off a scratch ticket! Holy Schnitzel on a fucking stick! Yes, you read that correctly and more importantly, these ex love birds have one it within two months of each other. It’s almost like God was like, “Wow, ladies, I realize it must have been hard to go through what you had to so here’s some compensation for your trouble.” Fate gave them the equivalent of what divorced couples experience as "alimony!"

Now, my plan calls for me to date them both, that way, after I have dumped and left them, in what I can only imagine as large giant messes of tears and snot on the floor, I will get not just $25,000 but 2 winning lotto tickets of $25,000 – that’s $50,000 for anyone not able to perform simple 4th grade math. It’s OK, I’m the brains you can be the brawn and make sure no one weasels their way in between me and the brothers Heiple. I’ll give you 20% after the deal goes down.

Pay no attention who my mentor is. You can trust me.

Cory’s ex-girlfriend had to put in about four years of her life with him to end up with this lump sum of awesomeness while Hey Zeus’ ex put in significantly less time with just over a full year. Just to be safe we will meet in the middle of the two and I’ll date them for about two years. That’s still less time then what the Army asks for you to enlist. That’s like some stranger asking you to throw two years of your life away and at the end he will give you $50,000. I already spend time with these knuckleheads, why shouldn’t I get compensated for my time? I have even thought about how not to take it in the pooper by these guys: I’ll simply just tell them that I am waiting for marriage to give my virginity away and that they should respect and understand my position. I’ll probably even get one of those Jonas Brother purity rings to wear just to make it legit; I think they give them away for free so I won’t lose any money in the deal. And ladies, if you’re worried that you won’t be able to take two years of the Schwez being off the market (yes, I am referring myself in the 3rd person. TV bad boys have taught me girls respond well to that) don’t fret, I can always just cheat on my two boyfriends – I have needs too.

Am I a bad person for taking advantage of two of my best friends, dating them for two years with the sole goal of dumping them in the worst way possible and making a profit on their heartache with how fate and fortune rewards their ex’s? Maybe, but for $50,000 I can probably afford to take them out for a couple of lap dances to help them get over me, it’s what friends are for. You might ask yourself, “Schwez, how come you’re going to dump them in the worst way possible?” Look, kid, I’m getting really sick of you asking dumb questions, but if you must know I get bored a lot and I’ll have two years to think of how to do it; it’s like when a guy tries to get creative on how he’s going to ask the love of his life to marry him only replace love his life with two dudes I’m taking advantage of who won’t see it coming, and replace "marry" with "break up with"… I’m thinking some place public like a ball game and do it on the Jumbo Tron.

So what other thing do these two brothers, a couple of my best friends have in common? Well, after I’m done with them they both are going to feel like they have a lot of egg all over their face...

The Triple Standard of Bitching

Everything in this life has standards. It’s how everyone knows how things should be done, what is OK and what is not OK and what is allowed and what isn't - sociologists call these standards norms... not to be confused with everyone's favorite accountant Norm on Cheers (See, who said you can't learn anything from my column? Seriously, who said it cuz that's messed up). Then there is the infamous and always popular 'double standard' rule... I believe that's an oxymoron, which is fitting because whenever someone uses a double standard on me the word 'moron' is always the first thing that crosses my mind.

The "oxy" part of the word is lost in my brain, eternally floating around somewhere like the missing socks I lose in the dryer

Now recently, during this year’s Super Bowl, I discovered that there is something called a "triple standard." Let me explain: it’s no secret to anyone that knows me that I am a big Chicago Bears and Chicago Cubs fan, which is a good way of saying that all of my friends tend to assume I'm used to defeat... which is a true statement. The years that either one of my teams manages to get into the playoffs are great years for me; I've long dismissed dreams of winning the whole enchilada and will literally crap myself if that win ever comes in my life time (In fact my bucket list entails watching the Bears and the Cubs win the Super Bowl and World Series). It’s a very depressing affair and it’s something that Vikings fans are currently dealing with now... sorry guys, my heart goes out to you, kinda. In my time I've noticed that the worst thing about dealing with your sports team losing year after year is the fans of other teams trying desperately to cope with the loss of their own team's defeat by grinding your feelings in to the mud.

Yes, it’s a tough world out there to be a sports fan but that’s just part of the way things are. The best thing about sports is that there is always a next year, so if your team isn’t doing well you can always start looking to next year so that your heart doesn’t break so bad throughout the season. This usually ends up looking a lot like "bitching" to the other people who aren’t necessarily fans of the same team as you but that's just how being a sports fan is: I listen to you bitch as I harass you on how terrible your team played and you do the same thing to me.

Now, it has come to my attention that a friend of mine, we shall hide his identity so that he doesn’t feel picked on and call him R.O.B.B. which is an anagram for Rude, Overly Belligerent Bitching or Robb to make it easier, has deviated away from the standard bitching of sports and gone with the "double standard" of bitching about sports. In other words, he has had enough of people, specifically Bears fans (ah, yes, now you understand) complaining and coming up with excuses as to why their team didn’t do well during the season, thus instead of groaning about his own team like the rest of us, bitch about everyone bitching.

Now, this isn’t a new thing for young Master Robb. I have heard it for a couple years now. It wasn’t until his team (the Colts) made it in to the Super Bowl that I realized something. For one, I need to state that I like the Saints and the Colts; I have no quarrels with them at all and would have watched the big game with indifference on who won and lost. BUT (and you’ll notice that I capitalized the whole word but to make sure you understood that this is a BIG BUTT) I noticed that I was cheering more and more for the Saints. Not because I wanted to see the Saints win or even the Colts lose but that I was actively cheering against Robb.

It was then that I realized something as I bitched to Hey Zeus about how Robb is always bitching about Bears fans bitch that while Robb decided to ignore the "standard" bitch rule and opt for the "double standard" bitch rule, I was taking it to an entire new level and created the "triple standard" bitch rule. It was like if "standard" were mere humans and Robb was using "double standard" to become Superman, I was surpassing him and using "triple standard," thus becoming even more powerful, like Chuck Norris or Mr. T. I then wondered if the "triple standard" would ever hold up for anything else other than to defeat the evil Robb and his crazy antics. Even using the "double standard" is risky business. Take Mr. T: usually he spends most of his time “pityin’ foo's” and hanging out at the local jewelry store waiting for his half a ton gold chain necklaces to be cleaned.

He apparently is yet another victim of World of Warcraft – goodbye hopes of a Mr. T comeback...

The point is, you would never try to pity Mr. T back. While I’m not quite certain what it is Mr. T would do back at you, I don’t want to find out what “I pity the foo to the squared power” actually is. In essence, the only time that you can actually say you did a "triple standard" of anything in real life other then against Robb is if you initiated a preemptive strike on someone, like say I decided to kick my good friend Joe in the balls because I felt if I didn’t he would probably kick me in the balls. Then of course, Joe would kick me in the balls back because once you elevate anything to the point of scrotum hitting, all bets are off. This is where the "triple standard" would come in to play; where I would get pissed that Joe decided to kick me in the balls back when all I was doing was kicking him so that he wouldn't kick me – I then would lace up my giant Doc Marten work boots that I would have to borrow from Cory because I only wear sandals year round and proceed to dropkick Joe’s balls to the moon.

A lot like this, the game Battletoads was on the cutting edge of the "triple standard’" rule of nut kicking

Since using a "triple standard" rule is boarderline ridiculous and using the "double standard" rule usually makes you out to be some sort of ass or R.O.B.B., it’s become obvious to me that the norms of our culture are in place for a reason and that when you start to get annoyed with our culture and the way things are and instead try to live by your own rules and trail blaze, things start to escalate, get out of control, and before you know it your swimming up to your ears in R.O.B.B.s and people are kicking everyone in the junk. With that kind of vicious horse-play not even a nut cup can protect your family jewels from the inevitable pounding. The moral of this whole story is to understand how the norms of our society work and not become an R.O.B.B., an ass or get stuck with eggs on your face.

You got egg on your face, buddy

Birthdays, Narcissism and Jackie Chan

What is 26? It’s a number obviously. Its how many letters the English alphabet has. 26 is the gematric number of the God Yahweh. Michigan is the 26th State of the United States (Wikipedia didn’t really have much information on 26). But it is also how old yours truly just turned on his birthday. To be honest, when you turn 26 nothing happens, all the fun is said and done with turning another year older. Let’s be honest, at 14 you got your driver's permit which leads to 16 when you finally get you driver's license. It’s at 18 that your considered an adult and can buy tobacco and throw your money at the Powerball Lotto. Magic number 21, as we all know, is the year you can start drinking.

It’s around then that things start going downhill. At 23 you can finally understand what Blink-182 was singing about when they said ‘Nobody likes you when you 23’ and 25 is when your car insurance goes down. HA-ZAH! But at 26 you are now officially considered an active adult in society. Your binge drinking is no longer looked at as "kids having fun" like they did when you were 21, but is now referred to as "alcoholism," and apparently that is looked down on. According to Sexperts, at 26, I am now currently well passed my sexual prime and that’s pretty nifty to think about. Next stop – Penile Erection Disorder! Even though turning 26 has no positive rewards besides the mountains of cards that you now receive with *SPOILER ALERT* no money or gifts cards hidden inside, it’s still a fairly happy affair – that doesn’t turn sour till around 40 I’m told.

With the passing of my birthday yesterday - in which I spent most the day reminding anyone that would listen that it was indeed my birthday and thanking them for asking (I didn't care if the grocer had just asked that or was simply trying to ask me, "paper or plastic" so she could get my stupid grinning like an idiot face away from her) - I realize that birthdays might be one of the most narcissistic practices known on the planet. What's best is everyone accepts the tool bag next to them at the bar yelling and shouting about how "this is my day, biotches" because (and this is the best part) they will eventually at some point in the next 365 days be able to be "that guy" soon enough. The very concept is so pants-shittingly crazy that you would expect only Americans to practice this. However, I do believe that Europe and the Chinese celebrate birthdays, but who knows; there is evidence to support that maybe they don't.

Think about it...Jackie Chan is from China and while yes we do know that he's in his 50's, do we know if America just slapped an age on him the minute he crossed on to our land because "that's just how we roll?" If we dissect Chan's life we notice some distinct differences from how the average American spends their time. The most notable of these is that Jackie Chan spends the better part of his day doing insane stunts and tricks that we only thought we could do with our best friends outside playing when we were five. The fact that he is able to do the majority of the things he does is because he has no idea that a grown man is not supposed to be flipping and flying through the air while beating people up with a step ladder he saw you using as he came in the room. His whole career is exactly how I wanted to live my life when I was four right down to the heavy amount of action with little or no story plot...it’s like he has A.D.D. and no one has the heart to tell him. This supports my point that Jackie Chan has no idea how old he is. It’s what I like to call the 'Jackie Chan Defense'.

Which is different then the 'Jackie Chan Offense' where he uses this toothbrush to kill gingivitis and your entire family...

Does this mean that if we didn’t give ourselves age restrictions that we could all act and do what we wanted to do when we were little? This is a possible scenario but think how crazy our world would be if that were true. We would be swimming in superheroes falling to their deaths because they thought they could fly, trigger-happy cowboys, soldiers with an infinite supply of hand grenades, and fighter pilots that all had the same radio name of Maverick. Our lives would definitely be a lot more exciting but nothing would ever get done. No one wants to grow up to be a janitor, a politician or even a businessman but aside from the douche-bags on Wall Street, we do still need people to fill these positions for our society to run how it does. I mean, if we had a million Jackie Chan’s running around I don’t think I would have made it to my 26th birthday without eating a bullet.

It would have been a bullet covered in razor wire shot from a laser gun mounted on my arm

The point is, while birthdays are a narcissistic holiday it has good reason to be celebrated. After all, everyone needs to be reminded of their age and everyone needs their time in the sun, even that loud obnoxious drunk at the end of the bar that insists on trying to lead everyone in a group sing-along of "You’ve Lost that Lovin Feeling" (was that two Top Gun references in one post? YEE-UP). So, with that said, it gives me great pleasure to announce that yesterday was my birthday and I demand everyone’s respect and attention since I didn’t get it yesterday. You might be asking yourself, “but Schwez, I’m reading this blog, you do have my undivided attention.” Well…umm…that’s a really good point I just made for you. You're welcome. But it’s not your birthday, and unless your birthday’s tomorrow mine is the closest one from today, so you’ll be getting no more credit for points made for you by me. I want you to give me not only your undivided attention but also your multiplied attention.

Does his power rest in his creepy face, his hypnotic eyes or the fact that you can't look away from his shiny

forehead? That question is the reason he has you under his power and not the other way around.

Now that I have it…I don’t really want it. That’s called a ‘Birthday Requested SNAP’.

New DVD's I have watched for January (These are movies I hadn't seen before) :

Adventureland 6/10

The Hurt Locker 9/10

The Taking of Pelham 123 8/10

Killshot 7/10

Extract 9/10

How to be a Serial Killer 3/10

Public Enemies 8/10

Gamer 6/10

Pandorum 10/10

Inglourious Basterds 6/10

Land of the Lost 8/10

Night at the Museum 2 6/10

Alien Raiders 5/10

Unknown 8/10

Why I Should be the Next Spider-Man

I remember exactly what my mom bought me for my 7th birthday. It wasn't wrapped but placed in a birthday card for me to open. Naturally, because this didn't come wrapped I was pretty disappointed. Every time presents were divvied out during holidays my mind separated them out into 3 distinct piles of importance:

1. Boxes that were obviously shaped as toys or ones that I could not directly identify as NOT toys.

2. Boxes that after much shaking and jostling I was sure were just boring clothes.
3. Cards...to a 7 year old it is the most boring gift that could be given.

So my hopes weren't too high when I had shredded through all of my gifts and my mom presented me with a card. However, hidden inside the plain white envelope was a card that informed me that I was to be delivered my very own monthly subscription to a comic of my choosing. Apparently my mom had noticed my love for comics through my subtle hints of disappearing in to the magazine corner and coming back with as many comic books as my little arms could carry and pleading up at her with my child doe eyes.

So that left me to decide on what comic to choose for myself. At the time, Spawn was in full popularity and while I loved looking at the dark comic, I usually had absolutely no idea as to what was going on in it. Also, I was quite sure that a small glimpse into one of the comics like it from my mom would end my monthly subscription so fast I'd barely get a chance to enjoy it. This was, after all, the woman that wouldn’t let me watch The Simpsons until I was at least 15. A little too 'adult' for my mom's taste for me back then and now being a parent myself; I can totally sympathize with her feelings. This led me to my other favorite, Spider-Man. At the time I was a tiny version of the 7 year old I was supposed to be, that's a nice way of saying that I was an easy target of school bullies. This is probably where I got my troubled 'big mouth' that I proudly wear now. My childhood taught me a couple of things:

1. How to talk myself out of a fight
2. How to run away very fast if lesson1 failed

Thank God I wasn’t a fat kid or I would have had no chance at all; Darwin’s theory at its best. I was always saying something smart ass to someone bigger than me (partly because everyone was bigger than me) and still have the tendency to do this as Joe can testify. It was my smart ass mouth that granted Joe’s odd dream of fighting me or alongside me some day. One drunken night I decided to accidentally piss off a rather unpleasant drunk bald man. Granted, I did loudly point out into his general direction probably his most glaringly obvious and albeit self conscience physical attributes that a man can have; the fact that he was balding. But did that mean he needed to try and dispense justice to me and Joe in the form of punches to the face? Yes, that is exactly how he felt and is exactly why Joe spent the remainder of the night trying to stop the flow of blood coming from a fist wound on his lip. I would like to report, however, that our short fight did result in a draw where we all walked away shouting obscenities and derogatory comments at each other and no one got arrested. HAZAH! Granted, our 2 versus 1 side was favored but the giant man had attributes of Cory's favorite comic character Colossus and he literally laughed every time he was punched and wrestled to the ground. Besides, I am always in favor of 2 versus 1 as long as I am on the side of 2. But that's a completely different story.

The fact of the matter is I related to Spider-Man, he used to get picked on and wasn't the biggest super hero out there. In fact, from what I can tell (and I might be a tad biased) he is either one of the toughest heroes out there or one of the worst fighters ever. He was constantly getting the ever living crap beat out of him, having large objects dropped on him or getting tossed around like a rag doll all the while spewing smart ass comments around. I think he broke his ribs every other month, if anyone should have known Spider-Man's secret identity it should have been his health insurance company, due to the fact that his premiums should have been through the roof. Sometimes he lost, sometimes he won, most times it seemed that while he saved the day he fought his nemesis into a draw. (Sound familiar at all? No? Well that’s because your mom drank turpentine when she was pregnant with you…I’m sorry, I wasn’t sure how to tell you)

So to make things clear, I am a huge Spider-Man fan and I wanted to make sure this point was clear since from what I learned from Ben Affleck and Kevin Smith; all you have to do is be a huge fan and make sure everyone knows it and they will cast you in your favorite super hero movie. I must say though Daredevil was pretty decent if you watch the director’s cut but don’t hope for much, they had a great concept but kind of lost touch with the idea of Daredevil along the way. I also probably should say that Ben Affleck did the best he could with what they gave him since Hey Zeus would have a conniption if I ever said a negative thing about Mr. Affleck, not to mention he would know right away and delete this post. I think instead of a Spidey Sense, Hey Zeus was gifted with an Affleck Sense, which might be the gayest super power in the world.

For some of you that don’t know (which is probably all of you) I was a gymnast for 10 years. From the time I was in 3rd grade until I was 17, I flipped and flopped all over this great state of Iowa and nabbed 3 State Titles. Am I bragging? Yes, yes I am and I expect you to be impressed or I will passive-aggressively blog about you the next time I post. I am the Alpha and the Omega in these parts. ‘Mr./Mrs. I-Have-Nothing-Better-to-Do-Then-to-Shoot-Down-a-Childhood-Dream’. So I have the background and could easily do all of my own stunts. Plus, I’m not famous so if for some reason I do manage to kill myself on one of the stunts you can just throw in a dude that looks kinda like me and no one will be the wiser! Also, I have about 10 years of experience dealing with spandex, which I will be the first to tell you, is not the easiest thing to handle. That way you won’t get some weird leather version of Spider-man’s costume like in Daredevil and the X-Men movies but a real live version of what it would look like.

I was a real lady killer back in the day...

I also have the perfect body type. I am short and small in stature but keep myself in good enough shape to where Hollywood studio’s wouldn’t have to drop a mint ongetting me in to shape like they probably did with Tobey Maguire. I couldn’t believe they picked Tobey to be Spider-Man in the first place, sure he was mousy and nerdy but the real Peter Parker came in to his own and was a decent looking dude. Mary Jane was a damn fox and I never once read a comic and thought to myself “Ya know, I wonder how the hell Petey got that hot ass wife of his.” Of course, they did tone Mary Jane’s looks down for Tobey and cast the hideous Kirsten Dunst. I will fight anyone to the death that thinks that snaggletoothed witch is even remotely attractive. Of course, you have me, who has the nerdy good looks that might just pull off the awkward high school angst who grows up to be a catch. I practically still look like I’m fresh out of high school! Plus I have asked artists to capture what I might look like whizzing through the air rescuing someone:

More or less, this is how I usually commute to work.

Yeah, I was surprised to. You can’t even tell a difference between the comic book version of Spider-Man and me. It’s uncanny, which is what we should call this new Spider-Man movie starring Schwez… ‘The Uncanny Spider-Man’ that way we can really stick it to all the X-Men fans who were hoping that the X-Men movies would grab on to that title. This is why I plead to Hollywood to allow this to happen, because it could either be me or…

...it’s in your hands Hollywood.

Waffles vs. Pancakes

I might be a morning person now but it was never by choice. In fact, the truth is, I HATED mornings and did my best to never see them earlier then 11 am for the last 5 years. Of course, when my son Gabe was born that all changed, since he doesn’t really care whether you like getting up at the ass crack of dawn or not, he has pooped himself and he would really like to talk to you about it, NOW. Because of this naturally, in the last year I have adapted myself to waking up and getting most of the day’s things done before I would have even drowsily lifted my head up from the pillow to wonder about the time on my digital clock in the past. This of course makes me aim for an earlier bedtime from the old 4 am videogame-fest with Joe when we lived in the apartment. With the death of my ‘late-night life’ came the birth of my new ‘morning life’. And of course, with being up much earlier then I was used to, I developed a hunger for food within an hour of my rise. This begat my morning life’s first child, my true love and what later scholars will call – Breakfast.

Now, I am an abnormally skinny individual who just happens to sport an abnormally super high metabolism with an equally gigantic appetite. What I’m trying to say is that food + me = true love. Since, you are now more than likely impressed with my food credentials I will move on to the ‘meat and potatoes’ of what I’m getting at. (Ha, see that? That was a lil’ Supper-time joke for you, just to show that I’m mulit-versed in the Dinner World) What I have found is that most people have a pretty healthy appetite for breakfast foods. Who can resist bacon, toast, eggs, French toast, crepes, breakfast burritos and anything on the McDonalds “who wants to die of high cholesterol in their 40’s” Breakfast Menu. Hash browns even have the audacity to have the word ‘hash’ in their name. Of course I’m going to love crack-biscuits and cocaine-juice but we don’t call things that because they sound terrible to order around cops. Yet, hash browns are so beloved that I have heard stories of cops ordering a side of hash browns right out in public. Those are some legendary foods breakfast has on its roster, foods that are fantastic at any time of day. Which is why breakfast is the only mealtime to transcend normal meal restrictions and is offered at some places during lunchtime and dinnertime. If I were lunchtime and dinnertime I would be pissed at breakfast for encroaching on my territory – if breakfast was a person, it surely would be Kanye West.

We are of course are forgetting to mention the 2 Heavy Weight Champion of Breakfast Contenders; Pancakes and Waffles. Both are delicious in their own way. Pancakes are perfectly browned, moist, chewy and soak up syrup so well that every bite feels like the pancake was cooked in syrup, through and through. Waffles, on the other hand, are delicious in a completely separate way; golden brown crispy skin with built in bowls to hold syrup in to place so that every mouthful erupts with tiny bombs of goodness. I recently asked some of my friends which Breakfast Titan they preferred with surprising results: 1. I couldn’t believe so many people replied back their vote to me. This proves that not only do a startling 34 of my friends have nothing better to do with their time then to voice their opinion over, what professionals in the scientific community would more than likely consider a ‘big waste of time’ but also that the love of Breakfast runs deep in many people, not just me. 2. Waffles and Pancakes are equally loved by many. Seriously, utter equivalence, equality and equalitude. (that last one I made up)

Waffles – 17

Pancakes – 17

So, I realize right now that it’s a draw. Which is too bad, it’s like gearing up to watch a boxing match between Tyson and Holifield and then in the end having the judges rule a draw. Big. Waste. Of. Time. Or it would have been, except for the fact that I haven’t thrown in my vote for this match-up yet. It seems, I am the deciding vote and because of that I feel truly blessed. One would almost think this entire thing was rigged until you remember my integrity and resolve to make sure we get to the bottom of this ancient question. It is amongst this pressure and with a heavy but sure heart that I have decided that Waffles is the Grand Champion of Breakfast by the powers invested by Me and the Board of Breakfast Commission of the World Organization for Furthered Breakfast Foods. (I am also the only member of this board) As you can see, it’s legit. So, all that’s really left to do is tell everyone that voted for Pancakes wrong and make fun of them for being so naïve and stupid. I guess for people like them, food is not something they really care about. Us Waffle people are pretty much the beez-neez and really if you look who all is on Team Waffle it makes perfect sense. Team Pancake is full of people that don’t know much, people like Joe. Joe, folks that didn’t know, voted for Pancakes. This of course is very logical because Joe is always wrong. I have always said whenever Joe tries and argues with me (there have been many battles over the years) that ‘he is wrong and I am right’. Now with this very scientific study/poll conducted amongst our friends we have scientific evidence of Joe being dumb. Thank you Science and thank you most of all - Breakfast.

The Doors (Not the Band)

I don’t know if everyone does this but I consider myself a gentleman. If regressed back to that fancy boring time of tea parties and laughing gaily at the queer jokes Mr. Sebastian VanPiffendower is making while the men jostle for dominance during a rousing game of Croquet, one thing is most assuredly clear. It will take less than 10 seconds to inadvertently insult someone, get challenged to a duel and then get ‘bested’ by Benjamin Sourbushpants because all I know about sword fighting is what I watched from Zorro. (Note: I find swinging my sword wildly while trying to run away in the opposite direction, while a legitimate strategy, will not win you duels)

No sir, I am not talking about that kind of gentleman; I am all 21st century man. So naturally, one of the only ways to show case my charm, whit and manners – besides on the podcast – is to attempt to hold the door open for not just women but men as well. I consider myself an equal opportunity kind of chap and make no distinctions between genders when manners are being tolled out. Now, I don’t mind if the person I am holding the door open for doesn’t thank me; it’s cool, I understand, sometimes that can lead to awkward situations. Maybe the guy that’s holding the door for you is a creep and you're with this new girl you like. You innocently say thank you and now this guy thinks you’re his new best friend and confesses that he tries to ‘enjoy’ a little boy per month but that the cops around the mall are getting stricter security lately so he’s not sure how long the ‘good times’ will last. Now your lady friend thinks the only reason this guys is talking to you about this is because he’s probably a good close friend of yours and she scrams. I get it, it’s a phobia, we all have them so don’t feel obligated to initiate any type of communication because odds are I’m right smack in the middle of having an episode over one of my phobias about you.

Like I said, I’m polite but it doesn’t mean I have to be friendly. What I think is messed up is when someone doesn’t respect the ‘door open’. I have things to do, I have places to go, and holding this door open eats about 2-4 seconds off of my life. That’s 2-4 seconds of my life that I’m slicing off of myself and then handing to someone on a silver platter with a smile. So maybe they could respect my choice to share my life with them. I hold the door open for this person today and instead of taking advantage of a completely open door, they turn to the door right next to it, open it and walk right through. - COMPLETELY IGNORING ME – I think by street rules that’s a disrespect that results in some caps being thrown out in to some asses. The person literally chose to exert more energy to step to the side, open the other door and walk through it then just take advantage of an easily accessible open one.

Luckily for that person, I’m a gentleman and I swallowed my words and let them continue on their way uninterrupted. Of course, I’m also not looking to get an ass pounding just because I was rude to someone while trying to be polite. Those kinds of oxymorons won’t get you anywhere. It’s about manners but it’s also about self preservation.

~Schwez

- We just got done taping Episode 2 and we are all now patiently waiting for HeyZeus to hack it to bits and pour it out for everyone to enjoy. I would love to speculate on when it will be released but its a well known fact that my technological savvy is lacking. I'm not on the Crew because of my intelligence, its my rugged good looks. Look for it to come out soon -