Cory vs. The Redbox

The Redbox. Perhaps one of the most ingenious ploys ever to extort Hollywood of their precious blood money. My first encounter with this delightful Box of Red was in the far distant and exotic reaches of my local McDonald's. As I stood in line preparing to spend my hard earned money on the wonderfully greasy little snack known to all as a McChicken, I stared down this new addition of red as it stared back at me with black, soulless eyes... like a doll's eyes. What the hell is this thing that replaced what would hold the current trinkets served with the new Happy Meals? I kicked the box. That seems to be my best method of approach to new things in my life. In fact, I believe that's how I approach most new people I meet. "Hi, your name is Phillip?" Kick to the shin. "Hi, you're my new doctor?" Kick to the shin. "What's that, you think I'm attractive and want my phone number?" Double kick to the shin and here's my digits. Call me.

I stroked my chin. I'm sure it looked as cool as I thought it did, which is probably why I do it so often. As I checked this box over I noticed the sign advertising movie rentals for a dollar. What? I can take a movie from this box, watch it, sit on it, name it Carl and then return it the next day for the same price as my friend the McChicken? Now I'm a stingy fucker, but you sir, have a deal. I've used dollar bills for much less productive means such as having boobs pressed in my face for the sweatiest three seconds of my life. Ahh how those boobies sparkle in the strobe lights.

I thought to myself, "Hey, I like movies. In fact, I enjoy them quite a bit. Maybe not to the same extent as Mr. Tom Sizemore enjoys punching people in the face, but along those lines." Now keep in mind that this red vending machine of entertainment does not work on the same principle as your typical pop machine or used panty machine the Japanese seem to enjoy oh so much. You can't cram a wadded up single into it and expect to receive your movie, oh no, you must enter some of your most privileged personal information. A credit card AND your email. Ok, whatever, I give that out to most pop up ads that offer me a free Xbox 360 or six more inches of manhood, no biggie. I pull out my plastic card, which in fact is my only means of currency exchange anyways, and with much bravado I attempt my most grandeur card swiping motion that would make John Williams smile. What's this? I can't even swipe it more than a couple inches through the card reader. It has a blasted metal catch on either side of the card reader and much to my dismay I'm forced to swipe it with barely an inch of clearance on either side. "Ok redbox, you win this round. Give me my fucking Ratatouille movie or suffer the consequences." That really was an empty threat, but I believe to this day it thought the Box was genuine. I mean, I know you really shouldn't threaten new technology. Look how that turned out for the Connor family. Additionally, I really wasn't sure how to back up my threat other than another kick and that didn't seem to phase it any, but I kept my shit kickers prepared regardless of the outcome.

Zip, whir, WHIIIIRRRRR.... WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRR! Out comes my movie. Eventually. I mean, it takes quite a while, but hey, it's a dollar, right? Right? Ahh so you would think. In fact it is a dollar a day should you bring back the movie to a Redbox the following day by 9 pm. Ok I can dig that. Without a shovel even. I’m talking bare hands and shit.

You don't even have to take the movie back to the SAME box! It can be any Redbox and they are everywhere, much like Shia LeBeouf but with less jewfro . How do I know this? Trust me, anyone who has rented from the Redbox can and will tell you every single Redbox location within a half a day’s drive. Why is this such common knowledge? Oh buddy, you really have no idea, do you?

Let me give you the list of reasons you will have to drive to a backup location. Because you will. I bet you a McChicken you will.

A.) Wal-Mart. Wal-mart's locations are probably the highest used and similar to your girlfriend’s vagina receive the most foot traffic. It's convenient for most shoppers to purchase their diapers and Budweiser with a movie to play as background music as they beat their wife. Or child. Or both, really. Therefore, this Redbox will either be completely devoid of any movie you want to see, or will not let you rent or return a movie because it's full. Yes, you read that right. You can't take a movie from it because it has too many. That seems rather counterproductive. In your attempt to release some of that pent up movie goodness, you in fact can do nothing but drive to the next closest location. Hy-Vee.

B.)Hy-Vee. This place should let you take a movie from it. If it's working properly. Which it's not. Why? Apparently because Redbox only receives dollar bill increments of profit at a time and can't afford to fix every jammed box. Which is the majority of them.

C.)Walgreens. See above.

D.)McDonald's. Most McDonald's are not open 24 hours so you can't always get your Ryan Reynolds fix at any given time you so choose. Plus, you don't want to be the jackass that walks in to the restaurant, buys nothing from them, but leaves with a movie. That's just in bad taste. At least get a McChicken. You'll feel better about yourself as you wallow in self-pity and mayonnaise.

E. Online reserve...(?) This one is quite the gamble. You can go to the Redbox site online and reserve your movie from a Box possessing your pick. I tried that once, wait, twice. The second time was Redbox's fault. The site gave me an error message upon entering in my info (very clever you blasted red boxed fuck!) and I proceeded to repeat the process again. Upon arriving to my predetermined Redbox, I received not one copy of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, but two. Which is funny because the only reason I reserved one online was because every box I checked had no copies left of that movie in stock. Everyone wanted a piece of the Potter pie, and I had two. And yes, I had to pay for both of them. That error earlier, yeah they charged me twice.

So what do you do when you can't return your movie? You can hold on to it until the next day. That works in theory, but you have to pay the additional late fee. Oh wait a second, Redbox claims on the machine that they have no such thing as late fees, just an additional dollar a day for not returning it on time. Which in my very humble opinion is exactly what a late fee is. Paying more than you should have to for not returning something upon a given deadline. Late fee. A fee for being late. "Honoraires en retard" as the French say, which is exactly how you’ll feel when this happens to you. Retarded. However, every machine has a toll free number you can call should problems arise. Once past the horrible wait time clocking in at just past frustration and rage you can speak with Steve, Steven or Stephen. I recommend dialing the number as you prepare to watch your movie, that way you'll be talking to your variation of Steven when you're done watching it. When you finally get someone on the line and vent your frustrations for there being no functional Redbox machine west of the Mississippi, they'll remind you that you are an awesome customer *Thumbs up, dude!* and they'll see right to it that you get two promotional codes for two free rentals.

Ok, awesome... I now have two codes for movies that not only do I have to drive all over fucking town to find a working box with my goddamn movie in it, but I can't even return the damn thing when I'm done watching it! Hey Redbox, why don't you give me a month's subscription to Netflix instead of doling out shit I can't use without repeating the endless cycle of free shit I can't return.

Recent DVDs watched this week:

Beowulf*: 7/10 CGI Angelina Jolie breasticles.

The Day the Earth Stood Still*: 6/10 Jennifer Connelly’s.

10/10 Keanu Reaves for still not having to act in a single movie. Kudos you emotionless bastard.

K-Pax: 8/10 Kevin Spacey’s.

3/10 Jeff Bridges for not having longer hair or a beard.

The Fountain*: 12/10 WTF’s.

Saw: 7.5/10 Dead guys lying on the floor. .5 is the foot

Speed Racer: 8/10 Epileptic seizures.

TMNT: 7.5 Turtles in a half shell.

*Denotes first time viewing.