How I'm Going to be Rich

It's genius is in its pure simplicity… well, maybe it’s not simple but it is genius! Before I get into what my plan to retire early entails and never look back, I need to make one thing clear... it needs to be understood that I love girls. Love them, they are the bee's knees and anyone that hasn’t tried a piece of Earth’s greatest gift – the woman – needs to drop everything and give it a whirl (of course, make sure she is consenting since neither me, my lawyer, nor your anus will be responsible for what happens next if she’s not and you get thrown in prison, though I have a feeling the latter will be sorely displeased with you – yes, that was a play on words but also very true).

I’m a lover, not a fighter, always have and always will. If some "macho" man wants to spend his evening going to the bars to get his ultimate drink on and try getting his weekly aggression out on some poor fool in the wrong place at the wrong time, that’s fine. Not my style. Just know that I will be the one chatting up your lady while you flex your ego with your dude-bro hair and your Jersey Shore muscles. Women come in all different shapes and sizes with different personalities as well... generally every one of them is beautiful in some way or another.

Sometimes it’s a little harder to find the good at first glance…

Not to sound like a chauvinist pig or anything since I’m all for equal rights and am not trying to belittle women in any way, just saying that I’m a huge fan – keep up the good work ladies. It’s come to my attention, however, that fate has dropped a giant loop hole in the "get rich easy" section of life and I feel like I would be spitting in the face of destiny as well as kicking myself 30 years from now when I’m drunk, fat and alone with five dollars to my name for not taking advantage. So, it is with great pleasure that I be the first to publicly announce that I have decided to officially start dating two of my best friends: Cory and Hey Zeus.

Confused? Let me explain before you get all uppity and start writing your congressman and alerting the news media that not only am I starting a harem of dudes but that they also happen to be brothers. Maybe you’re wondering, “Hey, Schwez, I thought you were going to tell me how you were going to get rich and how come you made me waste four minutes of my life reading about how you like chicks so much when you have decided to date dudes?” Well, person that undoubtedly started reading this because they wanted to learn my secret "get rich" scheme and use it before I could, I will tell you. First off, "chicks" can be a derogatory name for women and they don’t like that much (now who's chauvinist?) so maybe you should call them"‘women," "ladies," or my favorite: "wench" (you girls can’t get mad at me for that last one... I got it from thesaurus.com when I put in "woman").

To get back to the point, what do Cory and Hey Zeus have in common? Besides having yours truly as a loving best friend, the same giant Cheshire Cat smiles, the same toolbox need to drive Jeep Grand Cherokees around despite the ever rising costs of gas and the same genes that will eventually make them look like Captain Jean Luke Picard?

You can say hair doesn’t grow on your head because your brain is so big and powerful... it's what Professor X does and try calling him bald.

They both have dated girls, whom after the break-up, have won $25,000 off a scratch ticket! Holy Schnitzel on a fucking stick! Yes, you read that correctly and more importantly, these ex love birds have one it within two months of each other. It’s almost like God was like, “Wow, ladies, I realize it must have been hard to go through what you had to so here’s some compensation for your trouble.” Fate gave them the equivalent of what divorced couples experience as "alimony!"

Now, my plan calls for me to date them both, that way, after I have dumped and left them, in what I can only imagine as large giant messes of tears and snot on the floor, I will get not just $25,000 but 2 winning lotto tickets of $25,000 – that’s $50,000 for anyone not able to perform simple 4th grade math. It’s OK, I’m the brains you can be the brawn and make sure no one weasels their way in between me and the brothers Heiple. I’ll give you 20% after the deal goes down.

Pay no attention who my mentor is. You can trust me.

Cory’s ex-girlfriend had to put in about four years of her life with him to end up with this lump sum of awesomeness while Hey Zeus’ ex put in significantly less time with just over a full year. Just to be safe we will meet in the middle of the two and I’ll date them for about two years. That’s still less time then what the Army asks for you to enlist. That’s like some stranger asking you to throw two years of your life away and at the end he will give you $50,000. I already spend time with these knuckleheads, why shouldn’t I get compensated for my time? I have even thought about how not to take it in the pooper by these guys: I’ll simply just tell them that I am waiting for marriage to give my virginity away and that they should respect and understand my position. I’ll probably even get one of those Jonas Brother purity rings to wear just to make it legit; I think they give them away for free so I won’t lose any money in the deal. And ladies, if you’re worried that you won’t be able to take two years of the Schwez being off the market (yes, I am referring myself in the 3rd person. TV bad boys have taught me girls respond well to that) don’t fret, I can always just cheat on my two boyfriends – I have needs too.

Am I a bad person for taking advantage of two of my best friends, dating them for two years with the sole goal of dumping them in the worst way possible and making a profit on their heartache with how fate and fortune rewards their ex’s? Maybe, but for $50,000 I can probably afford to take them out for a couple of lap dances to help them get over me, it’s what friends are for. You might ask yourself, “Schwez, how come you’re going to dump them in the worst way possible?” Look, kid, I’m getting really sick of you asking dumb questions, but if you must know I get bored a lot and I’ll have two years to think of how to do it; it’s like when a guy tries to get creative on how he’s going to ask the love of his life to marry him only replace love his life with two dudes I’m taking advantage of who won’t see it coming, and replace "marry" with "break up with"… I’m thinking some place public like a ball game and do it on the Jumbo Tron.

So what other thing do these two brothers, a couple of my best friends have in common? Well, after I’m done with them they both are going to feel like they have a lot of egg all over their face...