The Triple Standard of Bitching

Everything in this life has standards. It’s how everyone knows how things should be done, what is OK and what is not OK and what is allowed and what isn't - sociologists call these standards norms... not to be confused with everyone's favorite accountant Norm on Cheers (See, who said you can't learn anything from my column? Seriously, who said it cuz that's messed up). Then there is the infamous and always popular 'double standard' rule... I believe that's an oxymoron, which is fitting because whenever someone uses a double standard on me the word 'moron' is always the first thing that crosses my mind.

The "oxy" part of the word is lost in my brain, eternally floating around somewhere like the missing socks I lose in the dryer

Now recently, during this year’s Super Bowl, I discovered that there is something called a "triple standard." Let me explain: it’s no secret to anyone that knows me that I am a big Chicago Bears and Chicago Cubs fan, which is a good way of saying that all of my friends tend to assume I'm used to defeat... which is a true statement. The years that either one of my teams manages to get into the playoffs are great years for me; I've long dismissed dreams of winning the whole enchilada and will literally crap myself if that win ever comes in my life time (In fact my bucket list entails watching the Bears and the Cubs win the Super Bowl and World Series). It’s a very depressing affair and it’s something that Vikings fans are currently dealing with now... sorry guys, my heart goes out to you, kinda. In my time I've noticed that the worst thing about dealing with your sports team losing year after year is the fans of other teams trying desperately to cope with the loss of their own team's defeat by grinding your feelings in to the mud.

Yes, it’s a tough world out there to be a sports fan but that’s just part of the way things are. The best thing about sports is that there is always a next year, so if your team isn’t doing well you can always start looking to next year so that your heart doesn’t break so bad throughout the season. This usually ends up looking a lot like "bitching" to the other people who aren’t necessarily fans of the same team as you but that's just how being a sports fan is: I listen to you bitch as I harass you on how terrible your team played and you do the same thing to me.

Now, it has come to my attention that a friend of mine, we shall hide his identity so that he doesn’t feel picked on and call him R.O.B.B. which is an anagram for Rude, Overly Belligerent Bitching or Robb to make it easier, has deviated away from the standard bitching of sports and gone with the "double standard" of bitching about sports. In other words, he has had enough of people, specifically Bears fans (ah, yes, now you understand) complaining and coming up with excuses as to why their team didn’t do well during the season, thus instead of groaning about his own team like the rest of us, bitch about everyone bitching.

Now, this isn’t a new thing for young Master Robb. I have heard it for a couple years now. It wasn’t until his team (the Colts) made it in to the Super Bowl that I realized something. For one, I need to state that I like the Saints and the Colts; I have no quarrels with them at all and would have watched the big game with indifference on who won and lost. BUT (and you’ll notice that I capitalized the whole word but to make sure you understood that this is a BIG BUTT) I noticed that I was cheering more and more for the Saints. Not because I wanted to see the Saints win or even the Colts lose but that I was actively cheering against Robb.

It was then that I realized something as I bitched to Hey Zeus about how Robb is always bitching about Bears fans bitch that while Robb decided to ignore the "standard" bitch rule and opt for the "double standard" bitch rule, I was taking it to an entire new level and created the "triple standard" bitch rule. It was like if "standard" were mere humans and Robb was using "double standard" to become Superman, I was surpassing him and using "triple standard," thus becoming even more powerful, like Chuck Norris or Mr. T. I then wondered if the "triple standard" would ever hold up for anything else other than to defeat the evil Robb and his crazy antics. Even using the "double standard" is risky business. Take Mr. T: usually he spends most of his time “pityin’ foo's” and hanging out at the local jewelry store waiting for his half a ton gold chain necklaces to be cleaned.

He apparently is yet another victim of World of Warcraft – goodbye hopes of a Mr. T comeback...

The point is, you would never try to pity Mr. T back. While I’m not quite certain what it is Mr. T would do back at you, I don’t want to find out what “I pity the foo to the squared power” actually is. In essence, the only time that you can actually say you did a "triple standard" of anything in real life other then against Robb is if you initiated a preemptive strike on someone, like say I decided to kick my good friend Joe in the balls because I felt if I didn’t he would probably kick me in the balls. Then of course, Joe would kick me in the balls back because once you elevate anything to the point of scrotum hitting, all bets are off. This is where the "triple standard" would come in to play; where I would get pissed that Joe decided to kick me in the balls back when all I was doing was kicking him so that he wouldn't kick me – I then would lace up my giant Doc Marten work boots that I would have to borrow from Cory because I only wear sandals year round and proceed to dropkick Joe’s balls to the moon.

A lot like this, the game Battletoads was on the cutting edge of the "triple standard’" rule of nut kicking

Since using a "triple standard" rule is boarderline ridiculous and using the "double standard" rule usually makes you out to be some sort of ass or R.O.B.B., it’s become obvious to me that the norms of our culture are in place for a reason and that when you start to get annoyed with our culture and the way things are and instead try to live by your own rules and trail blaze, things start to escalate, get out of control, and before you know it your swimming up to your ears in R.O.B.B.s and people are kicking everyone in the junk. With that kind of vicious horse-play not even a nut cup can protect your family jewels from the inevitable pounding. The moral of this whole story is to understand how the norms of our society work and not become an R.O.B.B., an ass or get stuck with eggs on your face.

You got egg on your face, buddy