G2: The New Gateway Drug

When people talk about being addicted to something they always say they fell into it without warning and were completely blindsided by the consequences of their own actions. When speaking of addictions with substances usually the substance of choice isn't what they try first. For example, you'll more than likely never see a future alcoholic decide to drink a bottle of scotch for their first ever taste of alcohol (underage stupidity not included). Likewise, a future heroin addict will probably never decide one day, without ever trying drugs, "Today is the day I will steal a few syringes from my diabetic little sister, and see what chasing the dragon feels like."

Go to any addiction group and you will hear a very important keywordin the life of a junkie/alcoholic/addictee: "gateway." Marijuana is labeled as a gateway drug because more than likely Mr. Heroin over there decided to try out this easy, simple and (nowadays) socially acceptable drug, and then decided, "Ya know, I'm just not fucked up enough...let's kick it up a notch."

BAM! I smoke rocks... I mean, its just powdered sugar.

I would go out on a limb and say beer would be the equivalent alcohol version of marijuana. Drink eight beers every night and you’re just the guy that likes to have a good time. Polish off a fifth of Jack every night and suddenly you’re the fat slob that has a drinking problem. But what about other substances besides alcohol and drugs... do they have a similar gateway? I can say with great certainty that Joe and myself are addicted to giant burritos, whether it be from Pablos, Pancheros, or Chipotle. Sorry, Joe, for throwing you under the bus but it’s an addiction, a disease and it’s not your fault. Admittance is the first step to recovery but who would want to recover from a delicious addiction like that? With an addiction like large, over-sized burritos there is no gateway, it’s just mostly dependent on whether or not you have a roommate, like I had with Joe, that loves to eat as much as you.

Joe and I testing out the new Panchero Burrito in a cup...

Until recently I despised Gatorade. I hated it because I always thought it was the most pointless drink there was. It has hardly any flavor; you might as well be drinking water. However, it doesn’t quench your thirst like water can because there is too much flavor. If I was parched and wanted to hydrate myself I would rather have water, and if I wanted a tasty treat I’d much rather have Kool-Aid.

The last girl I dated brought to my attention G2 Grape Gatorade. I don’t remember any specifics but I can only guess that I got thirsty and there were no refreshments around so I had to take a gulp from her Gatorade. Imagine my surprise when I realized that this beverage was actually delicious. I spent the next couple weeks weaning myself off soda (which is another addiction from which most of the U.S. suffers) by drinking massive amounts of this new wondrous discovery.

Our lawyers tell me that its legal to put this image up as long as I let you know that "G2 Gatorade Grape is refreshing and delicious with low calories. Its the perfect thirst quencher."

One day I went to the store before class to pick up my usual G2 Grape Gatorade and found that the gas station - the same gas station I had been going to for the last 2 weeks - was completely out of my Gatorade flavor. This either means that they have a person that does a terrible job on inventory or that it took me two weeks to single-handedly drink every last G2 Grape they had in stock and since it was just one guy drinking it they didn’t really care if they ran out.

I DRANK A WHOLE GAS STATION’S INVENTORY OF GATORADE, which I didn’t even like not two weeks prior. So now I really had no idea what to do. I needed my fix but I didn’t have time before class to stop at another gas station. So I took a deep breath and I picked out G2 Fruit Punch Gatorade, hoped for the best and took off (well, I paid first, then I took off. Don't start thinking my new addiction turned me into a thief like some other addictions). Suffice it to say it was equally delicious and I was now officially hooked on Gatorade. Over the next week I tried every G2 flavor that Gatorade made and didn’t come by one single flavor that I didn’t like just as much as the Grape. I quickly celebrated this amazing discovery and new addiction by doing what I always do when I get good news: I went to Pancheros and ate a giant celebratory burrito.

The sweet taste of victory

It was then that I realized that G2 Grape Gatorade was a gateway drink into the shady world of Gatorade that I probably will never come back from. Which, it turns out, is way better then drinking my two Mt. Dews a day I was before. Yes, I realize that that’s a lot but by now I think everyone should know that I have a very addictive personality, so when I find something I like I must have it as much as possible. I do it with movies and songs in the same way; I’ll find a movie or song I love and then I will proceed to watch or listen to it non-stop countless times until I can no longer even hear the name without wanting to punch someone. It seems, though, that the food and drink addictions that I suffer from usually never get old and they'll stick around until I find something that replaces them.

Here is a list of addictions that I suffer from:
Pancheros
Netflix
G2 Gatorade
Grinding my teeth while I drive
Video games
Sex
Blowjobs
Acting like I know how to make balloon animals (I do not - do not let me tell you I do)
Hiding like a ninja and scaring unknowing bystanders (generally friends in my own home)
Movies
Blogging about ridiculous things (this actually effects you the reader as you waste your time reading me)
Wal-Mart Southwest Black Bean Salsa
Facebook
Disc Golf
Glenlivet Scotch on the rocks/Roy Rogers (a hard drink and the pussiest drink you can order – I’m fans of both)

Looking over this list it occurs to me that a lot of my addictions are things that I just like to do, but make no mistake, every single thing on this list I do or think about at least five times a week. So with all of these addictions in life to worry about how are you to see the gateway substances that will usher you in to your new addiction-filled life?

You won’t: this is America… we don’t have time to pay attention to silly things like worrying if we are doing too much of something. American = Excessive Society… more or less it means if you're an American it means that you're already doing too much of whatever it is your worried about doing too much of.

America - FUCK YEAH!

I despise my love of Gatorade just like a heroin addict probably despises heroin. I spent 26 years hating Gatorade and thinking it was the worst beverage around before realizing my love of it. Because of this, every morning I go in and buy one. In my head I hate myself a little more each day. Do I hope to one day expel my love of Gatorade and revert back to my old hatred of it? More than you can ever know, but the drink tastes too damn good to get rid of. Just like I could never get rid of any of those things on that list above; I love them all so much.

It’s like asking a 5-year old which stuffed animal of his he doesn’t want anymore so we can throw it away. Some would call a person that asked a 5-year old that question a monster. Remember that the next time you decide ask someone to give up something they are addicted to, like Pancheros, sex, or Gatorade. Know that in their heads maybe they hate their addiction even more then you hate it. Someday Gatorade will no longer be in my life and I will be free of its liquidy goodness but until then… bottoms up.

A Special Note to Everyone: Thanks for supporting us so far, its been a lot of fun for my best friends and I to be able to entertain the way we do and we hope to do it more. Sooo... tell some friends about us and spread the word - if I can get 100 subscribers/followers to the blog I will take five shots of Everslear back to back and post the video on here. YIPPEE FOR EXCESS!