Why I Should be the Next Spider-Man

I remember exactly what my mom bought me for my 7th birthday. It wasn't wrapped but placed in a birthday card for me to open. Naturally, because this didn't come wrapped I was pretty disappointed. Every time presents were divvied out during holidays my mind separated them out into 3 distinct piles of importance:

1. Boxes that were obviously shaped as toys or ones that I could not directly identify as NOT toys.

2. Boxes that after much shaking and jostling I was sure were just boring clothes.
3. Cards...to a 7 year old it is the most boring gift that could be given.

So my hopes weren't too high when I had shredded through all of my gifts and my mom presented me with a card. However, hidden inside the plain white envelope was a card that informed me that I was to be delivered my very own monthly subscription to a comic of my choosing. Apparently my mom had noticed my love for comics through my subtle hints of disappearing in to the magazine corner and coming back with as many comic books as my little arms could carry and pleading up at her with my child doe eyes.

So that left me to decide on what comic to choose for myself. At the time, Spawn was in full popularity and while I loved looking at the dark comic, I usually had absolutely no idea as to what was going on in it. Also, I was quite sure that a small glimpse into one of the comics like it from my mom would end my monthly subscription so fast I'd barely get a chance to enjoy it. This was, after all, the woman that wouldn’t let me watch The Simpsons until I was at least 15. A little too 'adult' for my mom's taste for me back then and now being a parent myself; I can totally sympathize with her feelings. This led me to my other favorite, Spider-Man. At the time I was a tiny version of the 7 year old I was supposed to be, that's a nice way of saying that I was an easy target of school bullies. This is probably where I got my troubled 'big mouth' that I proudly wear now. My childhood taught me a couple of things:

1. How to talk myself out of a fight
2. How to run away very fast if lesson1 failed

Thank God I wasn’t a fat kid or I would have had no chance at all; Darwin’s theory at its best. I was always saying something smart ass to someone bigger than me (partly because everyone was bigger than me) and still have the tendency to do this as Joe can testify. It was my smart ass mouth that granted Joe’s odd dream of fighting me or alongside me some day. One drunken night I decided to accidentally piss off a rather unpleasant drunk bald man. Granted, I did loudly point out into his general direction probably his most glaringly obvious and albeit self conscience physical attributes that a man can have; the fact that he was balding. But did that mean he needed to try and dispense justice to me and Joe in the form of punches to the face? Yes, that is exactly how he felt and is exactly why Joe spent the remainder of the night trying to stop the flow of blood coming from a fist wound on his lip. I would like to report, however, that our short fight did result in a draw where we all walked away shouting obscenities and derogatory comments at each other and no one got arrested. HAZAH! Granted, our 2 versus 1 side was favored but the giant man had attributes of Cory's favorite comic character Colossus and he literally laughed every time he was punched and wrestled to the ground. Besides, I am always in favor of 2 versus 1 as long as I am on the side of 2. But that's a completely different story.

The fact of the matter is I related to Spider-Man, he used to get picked on and wasn't the biggest super hero out there. In fact, from what I can tell (and I might be a tad biased) he is either one of the toughest heroes out there or one of the worst fighters ever. He was constantly getting the ever living crap beat out of him, having large objects dropped on him or getting tossed around like a rag doll all the while spewing smart ass comments around. I think he broke his ribs every other month, if anyone should have known Spider-Man's secret identity it should have been his health insurance company, due to the fact that his premiums should have been through the roof. Sometimes he lost, sometimes he won, most times it seemed that while he saved the day he fought his nemesis into a draw. (Sound familiar at all? No? Well that’s because your mom drank turpentine when she was pregnant with you…I’m sorry, I wasn’t sure how to tell you)

So to make things clear, I am a huge Spider-Man fan and I wanted to make sure this point was clear since from what I learned from Ben Affleck and Kevin Smith; all you have to do is be a huge fan and make sure everyone knows it and they will cast you in your favorite super hero movie. I must say though Daredevil was pretty decent if you watch the director’s cut but don’t hope for much, they had a great concept but kind of lost touch with the idea of Daredevil along the way. I also probably should say that Ben Affleck did the best he could with what they gave him since Hey Zeus would have a conniption if I ever said a negative thing about Mr. Affleck, not to mention he would know right away and delete this post. I think instead of a Spidey Sense, Hey Zeus was gifted with an Affleck Sense, which might be the gayest super power in the world.

For some of you that don’t know (which is probably all of you) I was a gymnast for 10 years. From the time I was in 3rd grade until I was 17, I flipped and flopped all over this great state of Iowa and nabbed 3 State Titles. Am I bragging? Yes, yes I am and I expect you to be impressed or I will passive-aggressively blog about you the next time I post. I am the Alpha and the Omega in these parts. ‘Mr./Mrs. I-Have-Nothing-Better-to-Do-Then-to-Shoot-Down-a-Childhood-Dream’. So I have the background and could easily do all of my own stunts. Plus, I’m not famous so if for some reason I do manage to kill myself on one of the stunts you can just throw in a dude that looks kinda like me and no one will be the wiser! Also, I have about 10 years of experience dealing with spandex, which I will be the first to tell you, is not the easiest thing to handle. That way you won’t get some weird leather version of Spider-man’s costume like in Daredevil and the X-Men movies but a real live version of what it would look like.

I was a real lady killer back in the day...

I also have the perfect body type. I am short and small in stature but keep myself in good enough shape to where Hollywood studio’s wouldn’t have to drop a mint ongetting me in to shape like they probably did with Tobey Maguire. I couldn’t believe they picked Tobey to be Spider-Man in the first place, sure he was mousy and nerdy but the real Peter Parker came in to his own and was a decent looking dude. Mary Jane was a damn fox and I never once read a comic and thought to myself “Ya know, I wonder how the hell Petey got that hot ass wife of his.” Of course, they did tone Mary Jane’s looks down for Tobey and cast the hideous Kirsten Dunst. I will fight anyone to the death that thinks that snaggletoothed witch is even remotely attractive. Of course, you have me, who has the nerdy good looks that might just pull off the awkward high school angst who grows up to be a catch. I practically still look like I’m fresh out of high school! Plus I have asked artists to capture what I might look like whizzing through the air rescuing someone:

More or less, this is how I usually commute to work.

Yeah, I was surprised to. You can’t even tell a difference between the comic book version of Spider-Man and me. It’s uncanny, which is what we should call this new Spider-Man movie starring Schwez… ‘The Uncanny Spider-Man’ that way we can really stick it to all the X-Men fans who were hoping that the X-Men movies would grab on to that title. This is why I plead to Hollywood to allow this to happen, because it could either be me or…

...it’s in your hands Hollywood.

Cory vs. The Redbox

The Redbox. Perhaps one of the most ingenious ploys ever to extort Hollywood of their precious blood money. My first encounter with this delightful Box of Red was in the far distant and exotic reaches of my local McDonald's. As I stood in line preparing to spend my hard earned money on the wonderfully greasy little snack known to all as a McChicken, I stared down this new addition of red as it stared back at me with black, soulless eyes... like a doll's eyes. What the hell is this thing that replaced what would hold the current trinkets served with the new Happy Meals? I kicked the box. That seems to be my best method of approach to new things in my life. In fact, I believe that's how I approach most new people I meet. "Hi, your name is Phillip?" Kick to the shin. "Hi, you're my new doctor?" Kick to the shin. "What's that, you think I'm attractive and want my phone number?" Double kick to the shin and here's my digits. Call me.

I stroked my chin. I'm sure it looked as cool as I thought it did, which is probably why I do it so often. As I checked this box over I noticed the sign advertising movie rentals for a dollar. What? I can take a movie from this box, watch it, sit on it, name it Carl and then return it the next day for the same price as my friend the McChicken? Now I'm a stingy fucker, but you sir, have a deal. I've used dollar bills for much less productive means such as having boobs pressed in my face for the sweatiest three seconds of my life. Ahh how those boobies sparkle in the strobe lights.

I thought to myself, "Hey, I like movies. In fact, I enjoy them quite a bit. Maybe not to the same extent as Mr. Tom Sizemore enjoys punching people in the face, but along those lines." Now keep in mind that this red vending machine of entertainment does not work on the same principle as your typical pop machine or used panty machine the Japanese seem to enjoy oh so much. You can't cram a wadded up single into it and expect to receive your movie, oh no, you must enter some of your most privileged personal information. A credit card AND your email. Ok, whatever, I give that out to most pop up ads that offer me a free Xbox 360 or six more inches of manhood, no biggie. I pull out my plastic card, which in fact is my only means of currency exchange anyways, and with much bravado I attempt my most grandeur card swiping motion that would make John Williams smile. What's this? I can't even swipe it more than a couple inches through the card reader. It has a blasted metal catch on either side of the card reader and much to my dismay I'm forced to swipe it with barely an inch of clearance on either side. "Ok redbox, you win this round. Give me my fucking Ratatouille movie or suffer the consequences." That really was an empty threat, but I believe to this day it thought the Box was genuine. I mean, I know you really shouldn't threaten new technology. Look how that turned out for the Connor family. Additionally, I really wasn't sure how to back up my threat other than another kick and that didn't seem to phase it any, but I kept my shit kickers prepared regardless of the outcome.

Zip, whir, WHIIIIRRRRR.... WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRR! Out comes my movie. Eventually. I mean, it takes quite a while, but hey, it's a dollar, right? Right? Ahh so you would think. In fact it is a dollar a day should you bring back the movie to a Redbox the following day by 9 pm. Ok I can dig that. Without a shovel even. I’m talking bare hands and shit.

You don't even have to take the movie back to the SAME box! It can be any Redbox and they are everywhere, much like Shia LeBeouf but with less jewfro . How do I know this? Trust me, anyone who has rented from the Redbox can and will tell you every single Redbox location within a half a day’s drive. Why is this such common knowledge? Oh buddy, you really have no idea, do you?

Let me give you the list of reasons you will have to drive to a backup location. Because you will. I bet you a McChicken you will.

A.) Wal-Mart. Wal-mart's locations are probably the highest used and similar to your girlfriend’s vagina receive the most foot traffic. It's convenient for most shoppers to purchase their diapers and Budweiser with a movie to play as background music as they beat their wife. Or child. Or both, really. Therefore, this Redbox will either be completely devoid of any movie you want to see, or will not let you rent or return a movie because it's full. Yes, you read that right. You can't take a movie from it because it has too many. That seems rather counterproductive. In your attempt to release some of that pent up movie goodness, you in fact can do nothing but drive to the next closest location. Hy-Vee.

B.)Hy-Vee. This place should let you take a movie from it. If it's working properly. Which it's not. Why? Apparently because Redbox only receives dollar bill increments of profit at a time and can't afford to fix every jammed box. Which is the majority of them.

C.)Walgreens. See above.

D.)McDonald's. Most McDonald's are not open 24 hours so you can't always get your Ryan Reynolds fix at any given time you so choose. Plus, you don't want to be the jackass that walks in to the restaurant, buys nothing from them, but leaves with a movie. That's just in bad taste. At least get a McChicken. You'll feel better about yourself as you wallow in self-pity and mayonnaise.

E. Online reserve...(?) This one is quite the gamble. You can go to the Redbox site online and reserve your movie from a Box possessing your pick. I tried that once, wait, twice. The second time was Redbox's fault. The site gave me an error message upon entering in my info (very clever you blasted red boxed fuck!) and I proceeded to repeat the process again. Upon arriving to my predetermined Redbox, I received not one copy of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, but two. Which is funny because the only reason I reserved one online was because every box I checked had no copies left of that movie in stock. Everyone wanted a piece of the Potter pie, and I had two. And yes, I had to pay for both of them. That error earlier, yeah they charged me twice.

So what do you do when you can't return your movie? You can hold on to it until the next day. That works in theory, but you have to pay the additional late fee. Oh wait a second, Redbox claims on the machine that they have no such thing as late fees, just an additional dollar a day for not returning it on time. Which in my very humble opinion is exactly what a late fee is. Paying more than you should have to for not returning something upon a given deadline. Late fee. A fee for being late. "Honoraires en retard" as the French say, which is exactly how you’ll feel when this happens to you. Retarded. However, every machine has a toll free number you can call should problems arise. Once past the horrible wait time clocking in at just past frustration and rage you can speak with Steve, Steven or Stephen. I recommend dialing the number as you prepare to watch your movie, that way you'll be talking to your variation of Steven when you're done watching it. When you finally get someone on the line and vent your frustrations for there being no functional Redbox machine west of the Mississippi, they'll remind you that you are an awesome customer *Thumbs up, dude!* and they'll see right to it that you get two promotional codes for two free rentals.

Ok, awesome... I now have two codes for movies that not only do I have to drive all over fucking town to find a working box with my goddamn movie in it, but I can't even return the damn thing when I'm done watching it! Hey Redbox, why don't you give me a month's subscription to Netflix instead of doling out shit I can't use without repeating the endless cycle of free shit I can't return.

Recent DVDs watched this week:

Beowulf*: 7/10 CGI Angelina Jolie breasticles.

The Day the Earth Stood Still*: 6/10 Jennifer Connelly’s.

10/10 Keanu Reaves for still not having to act in a single movie. Kudos you emotionless bastard.

K-Pax: 8/10 Kevin Spacey’s.

3/10 Jeff Bridges for not having longer hair or a beard.

The Fountain*: 12/10 WTF’s.

Saw: 7.5/10 Dead guys lying on the floor. .5 is the foot

Speed Racer: 8/10 Epileptic seizures.

TMNT: 7.5 Turtles in a half shell.

*Denotes first time viewing.

Episode 9 - Stress-Induced Suicide

Opinions are split and tensions are high this week as the panel reviews The Book of Eli, Schwez vies for the role of Peter Parker, Hey Zeus and Joe thwart a potential mutiny, the Crew gets an on-air visit from Cameraman Tim, we double-drop The Postman refs, Schwez finally explains his grading system, and the panel takes a look at a few Cinenyms due to the similarities between The Road and The Book of Eli. Plus, Hey Zeus dips his hand into the LSQ Mailbag! Also, listen as Joe gets more and more punchy as the podcast goes on.

2:54 - Movie News: Spider-Man Reboot
8:24 - The Book of Eli
41:25 - Cinenyms
1:04:56 - The LSQ Mailbag

Link Dump
Spider-Man Reboot:
http://www.deadline.com/hollywood/urgent-spider-man-4-scrapped-as-is-raimi-and-cast-out-franchise-reboot-planned/
http://www.cinematical.com/2010/01/13/spider-man-reboot-update-marc-webb-3d-wes-anderson/
http://screenrant.com/story-spider-man-reboot-exists-rob-41048/
http://screenrant.com/spider-man-reboot-taylor-lautner-script-ultimate-rob-41876/
http://screenrant.com/marc-webb-direct-spiderman-reboot-rob-41387/
http://hollywoodinsider.ew.com/2010/01/11/spider-man-reboot/
Cinenyms:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/richpub/syltguides/fullview/R14VSM3157830T
http://www.11points.com/Movies/11_Damn_Near_Identical_Movies_That_Were_Released_at_the_Same_Time
Nick Park and Aardman Animations' Creature Comforts:
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=creature+comforts&search_type=&aq=f

Thanks to this weeks sponsor Multinational United. Visit http://multinationalunited.com for more information.

You can e-mail the show at lsqpodcast@gmail.com, follow us on Twitter at @LSQPodcast, and read our blog at lsqpodcast.blogspot.com.

Theme song: New Found Glory - King of Wishful Thinking

Opening song:
Kaiser Chiefs - Everyday I Love You Less and Less

LSQ's 5-Minute Fridays: Jan. 22, 2010

Yet another minicast from the LSCrew. This week, besides shouting out once again at Andy Garcia and Piranha 3-D, they bicker over Legion, Tooth Fairy, and Extraordinary Measures.

Waffles vs. Pancakes

I might be a morning person now but it was never by choice. In fact, the truth is, I HATED mornings and did my best to never see them earlier then 11 am for the last 5 years. Of course, when my son Gabe was born that all changed, since he doesn’t really care whether you like getting up at the ass crack of dawn or not, he has pooped himself and he would really like to talk to you about it, NOW. Because of this naturally, in the last year I have adapted myself to waking up and getting most of the day’s things done before I would have even drowsily lifted my head up from the pillow to wonder about the time on my digital clock in the past. This of course makes me aim for an earlier bedtime from the old 4 am videogame-fest with Joe when we lived in the apartment. With the death of my ‘late-night life’ came the birth of my new ‘morning life’. And of course, with being up much earlier then I was used to, I developed a hunger for food within an hour of my rise. This begat my morning life’s first child, my true love and what later scholars will call – Breakfast.

Now, I am an abnormally skinny individual who just happens to sport an abnormally super high metabolism with an equally gigantic appetite. What I’m trying to say is that food + me = true love. Since, you are now more than likely impressed with my food credentials I will move on to the ‘meat and potatoes’ of what I’m getting at. (Ha, see that? That was a lil’ Supper-time joke for you, just to show that I’m mulit-versed in the Dinner World) What I have found is that most people have a pretty healthy appetite for breakfast foods. Who can resist bacon, toast, eggs, French toast, crepes, breakfast burritos and anything on the McDonalds “who wants to die of high cholesterol in their 40’s” Breakfast Menu. Hash browns even have the audacity to have the word ‘hash’ in their name. Of course I’m going to love crack-biscuits and cocaine-juice but we don’t call things that because they sound terrible to order around cops. Yet, hash browns are so beloved that I have heard stories of cops ordering a side of hash browns right out in public. Those are some legendary foods breakfast has on its roster, foods that are fantastic at any time of day. Which is why breakfast is the only mealtime to transcend normal meal restrictions and is offered at some places during lunchtime and dinnertime. If I were lunchtime and dinnertime I would be pissed at breakfast for encroaching on my territory – if breakfast was a person, it surely would be Kanye West.

We are of course are forgetting to mention the 2 Heavy Weight Champion of Breakfast Contenders; Pancakes and Waffles. Both are delicious in their own way. Pancakes are perfectly browned, moist, chewy and soak up syrup so well that every bite feels like the pancake was cooked in syrup, through and through. Waffles, on the other hand, are delicious in a completely separate way; golden brown crispy skin with built in bowls to hold syrup in to place so that every mouthful erupts with tiny bombs of goodness. I recently asked some of my friends which Breakfast Titan they preferred with surprising results: 1. I couldn’t believe so many people replied back their vote to me. This proves that not only do a startling 34 of my friends have nothing better to do with their time then to voice their opinion over, what professionals in the scientific community would more than likely consider a ‘big waste of time’ but also that the love of Breakfast runs deep in many people, not just me. 2. Waffles and Pancakes are equally loved by many. Seriously, utter equivalence, equality and equalitude. (that last one I made up)

Waffles – 17

Pancakes – 17

So, I realize right now that it’s a draw. Which is too bad, it’s like gearing up to watch a boxing match between Tyson and Holifield and then in the end having the judges rule a draw. Big. Waste. Of. Time. Or it would have been, except for the fact that I haven’t thrown in my vote for this match-up yet. It seems, I am the deciding vote and because of that I feel truly blessed. One would almost think this entire thing was rigged until you remember my integrity and resolve to make sure we get to the bottom of this ancient question. It is amongst this pressure and with a heavy but sure heart that I have decided that Waffles is the Grand Champion of Breakfast by the powers invested by Me and the Board of Breakfast Commission of the World Organization for Furthered Breakfast Foods. (I am also the only member of this board) As you can see, it’s legit. So, all that’s really left to do is tell everyone that voted for Pancakes wrong and make fun of them for being so naïve and stupid. I guess for people like them, food is not something they really care about. Us Waffle people are pretty much the beez-neez and really if you look who all is on Team Waffle it makes perfect sense. Team Pancake is full of people that don’t know much, people like Joe. Joe, folks that didn’t know, voted for Pancakes. This of course is very logical because Joe is always wrong. I have always said whenever Joe tries and argues with me (there have been many battles over the years) that ‘he is wrong and I am right’. Now with this very scientific study/poll conducted amongst our friends we have scientific evidence of Joe being dumb. Thank you Science and thank you most of all - Breakfast.

Episode 8 - Why Do All the Problems Drop from the Sky?

Whew! A lot's been going on around LSQ Studios, especially in our screening room as the guys double-dose on new movies, begin construction on our supervillain lairs, figure out whether or not vampires eat (and, more importantly, have sex), and listen to Michael Cera masturbate. Plus, games!

2:35 Daybreakers
40:36 Youth in Revolt
46:17 Ultimate...
50:40 Trailer Spotlight
1:02:34 Supervillain Secret Lairs

Link Dump
Piranha 3-D trailer
The A-Team trailer
The Wolfman trailer
The Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time trailer

Thanks to this weeks sponsor dataDyne Corporation. Visit http://www.datadyne.com for more information.

You can e-mail the show at lsqpodcast@gmail.com, follow us on Twitter at twitter.com/lsqpodcast, and read our blog at lsqpodcast.blogspot.com.

Theme song: New Found Glory - King of Wishful Thinking

Opening song: Arcade Fire - Wake Up

LSQ's 5-Minute Fridays: Jan. 15, 2010

We're a man short in this minicast from the stars of the LSQ Movie Review. Join us as we take a look at the pros and cons of The Spy Next Door and The Book of Eli, plus Schwez finally learns the premise of the show ten episodes in! Better late than never.