Birthdays, Narcissism and Jackie Chan

What is 26? It’s a number obviously. Its how many letters the English alphabet has. 26 is the gematric number of the God Yahweh. Michigan is the 26th State of the United States (Wikipedia didn’t really have much information on 26). But it is also how old yours truly just turned on his birthday. To be honest, when you turn 26 nothing happens, all the fun is said and done with turning another year older. Let’s be honest, at 14 you got your driver's permit which leads to 16 when you finally get you driver's license. It’s at 18 that your considered an adult and can buy tobacco and throw your money at the Powerball Lotto. Magic number 21, as we all know, is the year you can start drinking.

It’s around then that things start going downhill. At 23 you can finally understand what Blink-182 was singing about when they said ‘Nobody likes you when you 23’ and 25 is when your car insurance goes down. HA-ZAH! But at 26 you are now officially considered an active adult in society. Your binge drinking is no longer looked at as "kids having fun" like they did when you were 21, but is now referred to as "alcoholism," and apparently that is looked down on. According to Sexperts, at 26, I am now currently well passed my sexual prime and that’s pretty nifty to think about. Next stop – Penile Erection Disorder! Even though turning 26 has no positive rewards besides the mountains of cards that you now receive with *SPOILER ALERT* no money or gifts cards hidden inside, it’s still a fairly happy affair – that doesn’t turn sour till around 40 I’m told.

With the passing of my birthday yesterday - in which I spent most the day reminding anyone that would listen that it was indeed my birthday and thanking them for asking (I didn't care if the grocer had just asked that or was simply trying to ask me, "paper or plastic" so she could get my stupid grinning like an idiot face away from her) - I realize that birthdays might be one of the most narcissistic practices known on the planet. What's best is everyone accepts the tool bag next to them at the bar yelling and shouting about how "this is my day, biotches" because (and this is the best part) they will eventually at some point in the next 365 days be able to be "that guy" soon enough. The very concept is so pants-shittingly crazy that you would expect only Americans to practice this. However, I do believe that Europe and the Chinese celebrate birthdays, but who knows; there is evidence to support that maybe they don't.

Think about it...Jackie Chan is from China and while yes we do know that he's in his 50's, do we know if America just slapped an age on him the minute he crossed on to our land because "that's just how we roll?" If we dissect Chan's life we notice some distinct differences from how the average American spends their time. The most notable of these is that Jackie Chan spends the better part of his day doing insane stunts and tricks that we only thought we could do with our best friends outside playing when we were five. The fact that he is able to do the majority of the things he does is because he has no idea that a grown man is not supposed to be flipping and flying through the air while beating people up with a step ladder he saw you using as he came in the room. His whole career is exactly how I wanted to live my life when I was four right down to the heavy amount of action with little or no story plot...it’s like he has A.D.D. and no one has the heart to tell him. This supports my point that Jackie Chan has no idea how old he is. It’s what I like to call the 'Jackie Chan Defense'.

Which is different then the 'Jackie Chan Offense' where he uses this toothbrush to kill gingivitis and your entire family...

Does this mean that if we didn’t give ourselves age restrictions that we could all act and do what we wanted to do when we were little? This is a possible scenario but think how crazy our world would be if that were true. We would be swimming in superheroes falling to their deaths because they thought they could fly, trigger-happy cowboys, soldiers with an infinite supply of hand grenades, and fighter pilots that all had the same radio name of Maverick. Our lives would definitely be a lot more exciting but nothing would ever get done. No one wants to grow up to be a janitor, a politician or even a businessman but aside from the douche-bags on Wall Street, we do still need people to fill these positions for our society to run how it does. I mean, if we had a million Jackie Chan’s running around I don’t think I would have made it to my 26th birthday without eating a bullet.

It would have been a bullet covered in razor wire shot from a laser gun mounted on my arm

The point is, while birthdays are a narcissistic holiday it has good reason to be celebrated. After all, everyone needs to be reminded of their age and everyone needs their time in the sun, even that loud obnoxious drunk at the end of the bar that insists on trying to lead everyone in a group sing-along of "You’ve Lost that Lovin Feeling" (was that two Top Gun references in one post? YEE-UP). So, with that said, it gives me great pleasure to announce that yesterday was my birthday and I demand everyone’s respect and attention since I didn’t get it yesterday. You might be asking yourself, “but Schwez, I’m reading this blog, you do have my undivided attention.” Well…umm…that’s a really good point I just made for you. You're welcome. But it’s not your birthday, and unless your birthday’s tomorrow mine is the closest one from today, so you’ll be getting no more credit for points made for you by me. I want you to give me not only your undivided attention but also your multiplied attention.

Does his power rest in his creepy face, his hypnotic eyes or the fact that you can't look away from his shiny

forehead? That question is the reason he has you under his power and not the other way around.

Now that I have it…I don’t really want it. That’s called a ‘Birthday Requested SNAP’.

New DVD's I have watched for January (These are movies I hadn't seen before) :

Adventureland 6/10

The Hurt Locker 9/10

The Taking of Pelham 123 8/10

Killshot 7/10

Extract 9/10

How to be a Serial Killer 3/10

Public Enemies 8/10

Gamer 6/10

Pandorum 10/10

Inglourious Basterds 6/10

Land of the Lost 8/10

Night at the Museum 2 6/10

Alien Raiders 5/10

Unknown 8/10

The Dog Problem

Whose Leg Do You Have to Hump to Get a Good Movie Around Here?

Since this is my first article for the Hump Day Movie Review and that the title of my bi-weekly article is stolen from a Family Guy quote, I will be reviewing "The Dog Problem" This movie is written and directed by Scott Caan. who you might remember in the Ocean's movies and other various projects. I do have to say that after watching this movie I respect him as a director and writer now. I think he is a good actor as well, but this movie opened my eyes to his full potential.

Solo (Giovanni Ribisi) is a neurotic author who on the last day of visiting his psychologist, who is Don Cheadle, it is suggested by Don that Solo get a pet. Solo, seeking an answer to his despair and lack of human love rushes out to go buy a dog. At this point we are introduced to Solo's best friend Casper (Scott Caan). Scott plays Casper well, but it seems like Casper is just the same Scott character that he has played in other movies.

Solo finds his dog, a small dog, but a dog none the less. He has never cared for anything besides himself and a dog is just a little too much to handle. Thinking this dog is too much of a burden to bear, Casper sends him to a friend. A rich white girl Jules (Mena Suvari ( I would hump her leg any day)) who takes care of puppies and then just gives them away. Solo after meeting her decides he wants to keep the dog.

Now one morning we are introduced to Benny, someone Solo owes money to. After Benny's very angry lecture about Solo Spending Benny's money he wants to take the dog from Solo. Solo convinces him that he should be the only owner of the dog.

One day in a dog park, after giving his dog a pep talk and telling him to man up, Solo meets a pretty lady. After a brief awkward exchange we find out her name is Lola (Lynn Collins(I would also hump her leg)) Lola's dog attacks Solo's dog and sends them on a trip to the vet. Unfortunately Solo is broke as a joke and can't afford to pay for it.

So what we have here is a recipe for a fun, light-hearted, love comedy about a person who discovers a depth for caring for other people and a dog.

One question before I go. When your watching this movie and I know you will cause I recommended it. Near the end, doesn't it look like she did it?

Special Announcement: Promotional Fliers

AFirst off, we at LSQ Studios would like to thank you for your patronage and support. The four of us really enjoy creating this podcast for you and hope you find it entertaining. That is why we are asking you to help us.

We'd love for more people to listen and enjoy the show as much as you do, which is why we have made a series of promotional fliers. You can download these fliers (which are listed below), print them out, and hang them up at your local movie theater, place of business, where ever you choose. Most of them are based on popular movie posters, so pick a favorite and plaster your city with them.

Additionally, if any of you are members on an internet forum, a few of the fliers have been made into signatures that you can upload to your profile.

Lastly, the easiest thing you can do to help us is to just tell a friend about us. If there is someone you know who would enjoy the show, tell them about it.

Like we said, we love doing the show and the best motivation for us to continue doing it is by expanding our audience.

The fliers (click for full-size image):


Forum Signatures:

Episode 10 - Garden of Edenville Dinertown

Not even a blizzard can stop the LSCrew from doing a show, even if it is shorter than usual. Hey Zeus and 2/3 of the Crew get together to pick apart Legion, confuse a couple of Quaids, discover the Word of the Day the hard way, find the safest place to be during a Rampage, and make excuses for the gaping holes in the plot. Plus, the Crew finally makes time to unveil Rich from Detroit's Top 20 movies from the last decade!

2:34 - Legion
31:28 - LSQ Mailbag

Thanks to this weeks sponsor Primatech Paper. Visit http://www.primatechpaper.com/ for more information.

You can e-mail the show at lsqpodcast@gmail.com, follow us on Twitter at @LSQPodcast, and read our blog at lsqpodcast.blogspot.com.

Theme song:
New Found Glory - King of Wishful Thinking

Opening song:
Rilo Kiley - Silver Lining

LSQ's 5-Minute Fridays: Jan 29, 2010

Schwez serves out his punishment this week for picking The Tooth Fairy last episode, so the rest of the Crew are alone this week as they flip the coin between When in Rome and Edge of Darkness.

Why I Should be the Next Spider-Man

I remember exactly what my mom bought me for my 7th birthday. It wasn't wrapped but placed in a birthday card for me to open. Naturally, because this didn't come wrapped I was pretty disappointed. Every time presents were divvied out during holidays my mind separated them out into 3 distinct piles of importance:

1. Boxes that were obviously shaped as toys or ones that I could not directly identify as NOT toys.

2. Boxes that after much shaking and jostling I was sure were just boring clothes.
3. Cards...to a 7 year old it is the most boring gift that could be given.

So my hopes weren't too high when I had shredded through all of my gifts and my mom presented me with a card. However, hidden inside the plain white envelope was a card that informed me that I was to be delivered my very own monthly subscription to a comic of my choosing. Apparently my mom had noticed my love for comics through my subtle hints of disappearing in to the magazine corner and coming back with as many comic books as my little arms could carry and pleading up at her with my child doe eyes.

So that left me to decide on what comic to choose for myself. At the time, Spawn was in full popularity and while I loved looking at the dark comic, I usually had absolutely no idea as to what was going on in it. Also, I was quite sure that a small glimpse into one of the comics like it from my mom would end my monthly subscription so fast I'd barely get a chance to enjoy it. This was, after all, the woman that wouldn’t let me watch The Simpsons until I was at least 15. A little too 'adult' for my mom's taste for me back then and now being a parent myself; I can totally sympathize with her feelings. This led me to my other favorite, Spider-Man. At the time I was a tiny version of the 7 year old I was supposed to be, that's a nice way of saying that I was an easy target of school bullies. This is probably where I got my troubled 'big mouth' that I proudly wear now. My childhood taught me a couple of things:

1. How to talk myself out of a fight
2. How to run away very fast if lesson1 failed

Thank God I wasn’t a fat kid or I would have had no chance at all; Darwin’s theory at its best. I was always saying something smart ass to someone bigger than me (partly because everyone was bigger than me) and still have the tendency to do this as Joe can testify. It was my smart ass mouth that granted Joe’s odd dream of fighting me or alongside me some day. One drunken night I decided to accidentally piss off a rather unpleasant drunk bald man. Granted, I did loudly point out into his general direction probably his most glaringly obvious and albeit self conscience physical attributes that a man can have; the fact that he was balding. But did that mean he needed to try and dispense justice to me and Joe in the form of punches to the face? Yes, that is exactly how he felt and is exactly why Joe spent the remainder of the night trying to stop the flow of blood coming from a fist wound on his lip. I would like to report, however, that our short fight did result in a draw where we all walked away shouting obscenities and derogatory comments at each other and no one got arrested. HAZAH! Granted, our 2 versus 1 side was favored but the giant man had attributes of Cory's favorite comic character Colossus and he literally laughed every time he was punched and wrestled to the ground. Besides, I am always in favor of 2 versus 1 as long as I am on the side of 2. But that's a completely different story.

The fact of the matter is I related to Spider-Man, he used to get picked on and wasn't the biggest super hero out there. In fact, from what I can tell (and I might be a tad biased) he is either one of the toughest heroes out there or one of the worst fighters ever. He was constantly getting the ever living crap beat out of him, having large objects dropped on him or getting tossed around like a rag doll all the while spewing smart ass comments around. I think he broke his ribs every other month, if anyone should have known Spider-Man's secret identity it should have been his health insurance company, due to the fact that his premiums should have been through the roof. Sometimes he lost, sometimes he won, most times it seemed that while he saved the day he fought his nemesis into a draw. (Sound familiar at all? No? Well that’s because your mom drank turpentine when she was pregnant with you…I’m sorry, I wasn’t sure how to tell you)

So to make things clear, I am a huge Spider-Man fan and I wanted to make sure this point was clear since from what I learned from Ben Affleck and Kevin Smith; all you have to do is be a huge fan and make sure everyone knows it and they will cast you in your favorite super hero movie. I must say though Daredevil was pretty decent if you watch the director’s cut but don’t hope for much, they had a great concept but kind of lost touch with the idea of Daredevil along the way. I also probably should say that Ben Affleck did the best he could with what they gave him since Hey Zeus would have a conniption if I ever said a negative thing about Mr. Affleck, not to mention he would know right away and delete this post. I think instead of a Spidey Sense, Hey Zeus was gifted with an Affleck Sense, which might be the gayest super power in the world.

For some of you that don’t know (which is probably all of you) I was a gymnast for 10 years. From the time I was in 3rd grade until I was 17, I flipped and flopped all over this great state of Iowa and nabbed 3 State Titles. Am I bragging? Yes, yes I am and I expect you to be impressed or I will passive-aggressively blog about you the next time I post. I am the Alpha and the Omega in these parts. ‘Mr./Mrs. I-Have-Nothing-Better-to-Do-Then-to-Shoot-Down-a-Childhood-Dream’. So I have the background and could easily do all of my own stunts. Plus, I’m not famous so if for some reason I do manage to kill myself on one of the stunts you can just throw in a dude that looks kinda like me and no one will be the wiser! Also, I have about 10 years of experience dealing with spandex, which I will be the first to tell you, is not the easiest thing to handle. That way you won’t get some weird leather version of Spider-man’s costume like in Daredevil and the X-Men movies but a real live version of what it would look like.

I was a real lady killer back in the day...

I also have the perfect body type. I am short and small in stature but keep myself in good enough shape to where Hollywood studio’s wouldn’t have to drop a mint ongetting me in to shape like they probably did with Tobey Maguire. I couldn’t believe they picked Tobey to be Spider-Man in the first place, sure he was mousy and nerdy but the real Peter Parker came in to his own and was a decent looking dude. Mary Jane was a damn fox and I never once read a comic and thought to myself “Ya know, I wonder how the hell Petey got that hot ass wife of his.” Of course, they did tone Mary Jane’s looks down for Tobey and cast the hideous Kirsten Dunst. I will fight anyone to the death that thinks that snaggletoothed witch is even remotely attractive. Of course, you have me, who has the nerdy good looks that might just pull off the awkward high school angst who grows up to be a catch. I practically still look like I’m fresh out of high school! Plus I have asked artists to capture what I might look like whizzing through the air rescuing someone:

More or less, this is how I usually commute to work.

Yeah, I was surprised to. You can’t even tell a difference between the comic book version of Spider-Man and me. It’s uncanny, which is what we should call this new Spider-Man movie starring Schwez… ‘The Uncanny Spider-Man’ that way we can really stick it to all the X-Men fans who were hoping that the X-Men movies would grab on to that title. This is why I plead to Hollywood to allow this to happen, because it could either be me or…

...it’s in your hands Hollywood.

Cory vs. The Redbox

The Redbox. Perhaps one of the most ingenious ploys ever to extort Hollywood of their precious blood money. My first encounter with this delightful Box of Red was in the far distant and exotic reaches of my local McDonald's. As I stood in line preparing to spend my hard earned money on the wonderfully greasy little snack known to all as a McChicken, I stared down this new addition of red as it stared back at me with black, soulless eyes... like a doll's eyes. What the hell is this thing that replaced what would hold the current trinkets served with the new Happy Meals? I kicked the box. That seems to be my best method of approach to new things in my life. In fact, I believe that's how I approach most new people I meet. "Hi, your name is Phillip?" Kick to the shin. "Hi, you're my new doctor?" Kick to the shin. "What's that, you think I'm attractive and want my phone number?" Double kick to the shin and here's my digits. Call me.

I stroked my chin. I'm sure it looked as cool as I thought it did, which is probably why I do it so often. As I checked this box over I noticed the sign advertising movie rentals for a dollar. What? I can take a movie from this box, watch it, sit on it, name it Carl and then return it the next day for the same price as my friend the McChicken? Now I'm a stingy fucker, but you sir, have a deal. I've used dollar bills for much less productive means such as having boobs pressed in my face for the sweatiest three seconds of my life. Ahh how those boobies sparkle in the strobe lights.

I thought to myself, "Hey, I like movies. In fact, I enjoy them quite a bit. Maybe not to the same extent as Mr. Tom Sizemore enjoys punching people in the face, but along those lines." Now keep in mind that this red vending machine of entertainment does not work on the same principle as your typical pop machine or used panty machine the Japanese seem to enjoy oh so much. You can't cram a wadded up single into it and expect to receive your movie, oh no, you must enter some of your most privileged personal information. A credit card AND your email. Ok, whatever, I give that out to most pop up ads that offer me a free Xbox 360 or six more inches of manhood, no biggie. I pull out my plastic card, which in fact is my only means of currency exchange anyways, and with much bravado I attempt my most grandeur card swiping motion that would make John Williams smile. What's this? I can't even swipe it more than a couple inches through the card reader. It has a blasted metal catch on either side of the card reader and much to my dismay I'm forced to swipe it with barely an inch of clearance on either side. "Ok redbox, you win this round. Give me my fucking Ratatouille movie or suffer the consequences." That really was an empty threat, but I believe to this day it thought the Box was genuine. I mean, I know you really shouldn't threaten new technology. Look how that turned out for the Connor family. Additionally, I really wasn't sure how to back up my threat other than another kick and that didn't seem to phase it any, but I kept my shit kickers prepared regardless of the outcome.

Zip, whir, WHIIIIRRRRR.... WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRR! Out comes my movie. Eventually. I mean, it takes quite a while, but hey, it's a dollar, right? Right? Ahh so you would think. In fact it is a dollar a day should you bring back the movie to a Redbox the following day by 9 pm. Ok I can dig that. Without a shovel even. I’m talking bare hands and shit.

You don't even have to take the movie back to the SAME box! It can be any Redbox and they are everywhere, much like Shia LeBeouf but with less jewfro . How do I know this? Trust me, anyone who has rented from the Redbox can and will tell you every single Redbox location within a half a day’s drive. Why is this such common knowledge? Oh buddy, you really have no idea, do you?

Let me give you the list of reasons you will have to drive to a backup location. Because you will. I bet you a McChicken you will.

A.) Wal-Mart. Wal-mart's locations are probably the highest used and similar to your girlfriend’s vagina receive the most foot traffic. It's convenient for most shoppers to purchase their diapers and Budweiser with a movie to play as background music as they beat their wife. Or child. Or both, really. Therefore, this Redbox will either be completely devoid of any movie you want to see, or will not let you rent or return a movie because it's full. Yes, you read that right. You can't take a movie from it because it has too many. That seems rather counterproductive. In your attempt to release some of that pent up movie goodness, you in fact can do nothing but drive to the next closest location. Hy-Vee.

B.)Hy-Vee. This place should let you take a movie from it. If it's working properly. Which it's not. Why? Apparently because Redbox only receives dollar bill increments of profit at a time and can't afford to fix every jammed box. Which is the majority of them.

C.)Walgreens. See above.

D.)McDonald's. Most McDonald's are not open 24 hours so you can't always get your Ryan Reynolds fix at any given time you so choose. Plus, you don't want to be the jackass that walks in to the restaurant, buys nothing from them, but leaves with a movie. That's just in bad taste. At least get a McChicken. You'll feel better about yourself as you wallow in self-pity and mayonnaise.

E. Online reserve...(?) This one is quite the gamble. You can go to the Redbox site online and reserve your movie from a Box possessing your pick. I tried that once, wait, twice. The second time was Redbox's fault. The site gave me an error message upon entering in my info (very clever you blasted red boxed fuck!) and I proceeded to repeat the process again. Upon arriving to my predetermined Redbox, I received not one copy of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, but two. Which is funny because the only reason I reserved one online was because every box I checked had no copies left of that movie in stock. Everyone wanted a piece of the Potter pie, and I had two. And yes, I had to pay for both of them. That error earlier, yeah they charged me twice.

So what do you do when you can't return your movie? You can hold on to it until the next day. That works in theory, but you have to pay the additional late fee. Oh wait a second, Redbox claims on the machine that they have no such thing as late fees, just an additional dollar a day for not returning it on time. Which in my very humble opinion is exactly what a late fee is. Paying more than you should have to for not returning something upon a given deadline. Late fee. A fee for being late. "Honoraires en retard" as the French say, which is exactly how you’ll feel when this happens to you. Retarded. However, every machine has a toll free number you can call should problems arise. Once past the horrible wait time clocking in at just past frustration and rage you can speak with Steve, Steven or Stephen. I recommend dialing the number as you prepare to watch your movie, that way you'll be talking to your variation of Steven when you're done watching it. When you finally get someone on the line and vent your frustrations for there being no functional Redbox machine west of the Mississippi, they'll remind you that you are an awesome customer *Thumbs up, dude!* and they'll see right to it that you get two promotional codes for two free rentals.

Ok, awesome... I now have two codes for movies that not only do I have to drive all over fucking town to find a working box with my goddamn movie in it, but I can't even return the damn thing when I'm done watching it! Hey Redbox, why don't you give me a month's subscription to Netflix instead of doling out shit I can't use without repeating the endless cycle of free shit I can't return.

Recent DVDs watched this week:

Beowulf*: 7/10 CGI Angelina Jolie breasticles.

The Day the Earth Stood Still*: 6/10 Jennifer Connelly’s.

10/10 Keanu Reaves for still not having to act in a single movie. Kudos you emotionless bastard.

K-Pax: 8/10 Kevin Spacey’s.

3/10 Jeff Bridges for not having longer hair or a beard.

The Fountain*: 12/10 WTF’s.

Saw: 7.5/10 Dead guys lying on the floor. .5 is the foot

Speed Racer: 8/10 Epileptic seizures.

TMNT: 7.5 Turtles in a half shell.

*Denotes first time viewing.