America's Worst Civil War Since That One Like 200 Years Ago

History is rife with civil wars, be it the American Civil War of the 19th century, the Spanish Civil War, or Marvel Comics' superhero Civil War. Lines in the sand are drawn and people are forced to choose a side.

Cap was Team Jacob. Iron Man was Team Edward.

January's Tonight Show Wars forced people to choose between Team CoCo and Team Leno. And the people almost unanimously sided with Conan O'Brien, the then current host of The Tonight Show. Leno was quickly vilified by the Internet, the entertainment community, and his late night peers.

But who were the real villains in this scenario? Obviously Conan was not, since he didn't create the situation; he just reacted to it. Was Leno to blame? NBC? The answer is simple. Yes, NBC was to blame. But so are you.

The other three fingers point back at you, internet!

Now, I'm no Jay Leno apologist. I fall into a very unique demographic: old enough to remember The Tonight Show in it's glory years under Johnny Carson but young enough that Conan's stint at Late Night appealed to me. I grew up, on the rare occasions my parents would allow me, watching Carson who was followed by Letterman's Late Night. They were the undisputed kings of late night, and the ratings reflected that.

Trust us, this is much funnier than "Jaywalking"

The Tonight Show has had a series of controversies regarding hosting duties. Frequently during his tenure Carson would take extended vacations and have his permanent guest host Joan Rivers fill in. Carson had acted as mentor to Rivers as she was coming up, with Carson often referring to her as his "daughter." Everything seemed in place for Rivers to take over for Carson when he retired: backing from the current host, the blessing of the network, and approval from the audience. However, that close tie between the two comedians was severed when, in 1986, FOX offered Rivers the opportunity to host her own late night show on their network, which Rivers promptly accepted. Carson saw this as a complete betrayal, going so far as refusing to speak to Rivers again. The Late Show with Joan Rivers tanked and she was subsequently fired after only a few months.

And yet FOX allows this to continue

As the years went on, it seemed that when Carson was to retire he would be handing the reins of The Tonight Show over to his new protege David Letterman. But suddenly NBC swooped in and gave the show to Carson's new permanent guest host Jay Leno, which prompted Letterman to leave NBC and directly compete with Leno's Tonight Show on CBS' The Late Show.

Letterman would continue to get screwed, just in a different way

To some the choice between Letterman and Leno was the same as between The Beatles and the Rolling Stones. McDonalds and Burger King. Mac and PC.

I side with John Hodgman. He's wearing a suit.
Justin Long can't even afford a haircut.

For me, the choice is easy. Letterman, Stones, and Mickey D's.

Leno's softer brand of comedy, however, played well in the conservative Midwest, earning him higher ratings than Letterman almost the entire time they competed.

Meanwhile, former Simpsons and Saturday Night Live writer and ginger kid Conan O'Brien succeeded Letterman as host of NBC's Late Night. His edgy brand of comedy, including such characters as the Masturbating Bear, Pimpbot, and Triumph the Insult Comic, along with his self-deprecating humor and alternative tastes in music made up for his lack of interviewing skills while making him popular with a demographic Leno was not: college-aged and high school students.

He was like unto a superhero. With a robot sidekick!

Then in 2004, for no real reason, NBC announced in 2009 Leno would be departing The Tonight Show and leaving it in the hands of O'Brien.

Even though Leno's ratings continued to dominate the competition.

Even though O'Brien would have to be tempered to play to an earlier and wider audience.

And even though NBC had no way of predicting the climate of television four years in the future.

They couldn't even keep track of Matt Lauer

What exactly changed the television landscape in those intervening years?

Digital Video Recording machines (DVRs) had been around since the late 90's, and as the price went down their usage went up. The ability to record one's favorite shows and watch them at leisure was the first death knell of late night talk shows. When do most DVR owners watch their recorded programming? Before they go to sleep, during the Tonight Show's time slot.

DVD sales climbed as well, and as they did more and more TV series were released to disc.

Oddly, it was not one of these shirtless gentlemen that made the sex-tape

Then came YouTube with Hulu quickly following: a pair of websites that allowed users to watch video and broadcast television shows for free 24/7. Now anyone with an internet connection could watch whatever they wanted when ever they wanted.

We make the same face as Fred when forced to watch him

Soon, appointment TV was a thing of the past. With the complete freedom from a strict television schedule, viewership for network TV dropped.

But it wasn't just advances in technology and the mode of delivery that killed late night talk shows.

This certainly didn't help

The main appeal of late night talk shows like The Tonight Show was that, in the glory days of Carson, the mass public didn't have access to the celebrities they loved. They could watch their movies, listen to their music, but that was as close as they could get.

Until they appeared on Carson. Then we got to see who they really were and not just as characters on the screen. We learned about their lives. But with the advent of celebrity gossip blogs we were learning everything about their lives all the time. Suddenly celebrities were too accessible. Who was going to stay up to watch their apperances on late night talk shows when the information we wanted was just a few mouse-clicks away?

As well as images that would haunt our nightmares

Soon celebrities' appearances on Letterman, Leno, and Conan ceased to be about them and became more about the next project they were plugging.

Or their burgeoning rap careers

Some people wonder why these late night talk shows are so important to the networks. The simple answer is that they are lead-in by the news, or in the case of Leno's prime-time disaster The Jay Leno Show, lead in for the news.

Affiliates depend on a good lead-in for their local news broadcasts because the news is where stations earn their money. E.R. was a resounding success for NBC and it's affiliates because an audience of millions watched the show and stuck around for their local news which then lead directly into The Tonight Show, keeping almost every pair of those eyes glued to the same channel.

Then 2009 rolled around. Leno was ousted from the The Tonight Show as per their contract with O'Brien and NBC tried to make it up to Leno by putting him in front of the news during prime time. This would prove to be a costly mistake, though not because of the host.

To make room for The Jay Leno Show on their prime time schedule, NBC cut five-hours worth of scripted programming, a move which cost thousands of jobs and resounded through Hollywood.

No one was more upset about our cancellation than Urkel

Leno has always provided good numbers (ratings) for NBC, but those numbers he put up during his 11:30 time slot with The Tonight Show were a pale comparison to what scripted programs during 10:00 did. And while Leno held on to his previous 11:30 numbers at his earlier time he was getting trounced by the competition's prime time programming and what NBC had previously shown at 10:00 pm.

The drop-off in NBC's evening viewership had a ripple effect on the shows proceeding him, starting at the local news, through to Conan, making their way through to NBC's morning show The Today Show. Most viewers, when they turn off their TVs at night, turn their TVs back on in the morning. And what channel they're watching when they turn it off is the same one when they turn it back on. Leno's show wasn't just losing money for his time slot, it was losing money for the affiliates and everyone around him.

Television, like every other facet of entertainment, is a business. The sole purpose of television programming is to keep you the viewer watching between commercial breaks for the next batch of commercials.

Or, failing that, they turn the commercials into shows

If people aren't tuning in to watch those 30-second bits of marketing the network doesn't make money since broadcast television is free to the public and advertisers pay their salaries.

Why was Leno given the show in the first place? NBC didn't want to let him go. He was a top money-maker for the network.

And they had signed Conan to ensure he wouldn't depart for greener pastures at FOX.

NBC wanted to keep both hosts under contract but didn't have enough air-time for both of them.

It's like if Neo had taken both pills then kicked Morpheus in the balls

With two hosts, one of whom was contractually guaranteed the Tonight Show job and the other a cash cow, NBC tried to hold onto both and hope the situation wouldn't implode. Leno had no plans to retire from The Tonight Show in 2009 and enjoyed hosting the show. Conan had stuck around only because of the promise NBC had made. And with Leno's prime-time show becoming a national punchline, NBC tried to rectify the situation by bumping The Tonight Show back a half-hour so The Jay Leno Show could play more for a late night audience.

It was a desperate attempt to continue to keep both men under contract and on the air under the guise of "appeasing the affiliates" when in actuality they were actually trying to secure the network financially for their upcoming sale to Comcast.

Conan refused to move back to 12:00, seeing The Tonight Show as an institution that NBC was mucking with, and he wouldn't be the one to mess with that institution.

A line in the sand was drawn, and people chose their sides. Most of the entertainment industry sided with Conan while corporate interest resided with Leno. Jimmy Fallon, who took over Late Night from O'Brien when he departed, suddenly was thrust in the position of choosing between his show's former host and the company he worked for and wisely kept his mouth shut.

The new location of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon's studio

Meanwhile Facebook, Twitter, and millions of blogs were aflutter with almost unanimous support for Conan. Team CoCo rallies were organized (and poorly attended).

The best attended CoCo rally

Others changed their Twitter or Facebook profile pictures to the Team CoCo logo.

NBC CEO Jeff Zucker: Not a member of Facebook

NBC was faced with the choice between Conan, who under his tenure the The Tonight Show was losing money for the first time in 50 years, and Leno, who was a proven success on the show, as to who would host the show since O'Brien refused to get bumped later. So NBC, risking pissing off literally dozens of Tonight Show fans, and the better business decision (finally) and chose Leno, buying out Conan's contract for $40 million.

NBC was obviously at fault in the debacle, and because of the fallout suffered a tarnished image. But as I said earlier, the network was not alone in being at fault.

You thought I forgot about you, didn't you, America?

If only a small percentage of the people pledging their support to Conan on the internet had bothered to support him by actually watching Conan's Tonight Show, NBC, Leno, and Conan wouldn't have been in the awkward position in the first place. They would have instead canceled the Jay Leno experiment and hired Leno as an elevator operator.

Unfortunately, the weight limit combined with Leno's chin would mean he could only take one person at a time

The internet is quick to hop on a bandwagon but slow to do anything that would actually tangibly help the causes they support.

Surprisingly, Twitter is not a heavily trafficked site in fucking Iran

Leno is set to return to The Tonight Show once the Winter Olympics have concluded. Conan, as per a stipulation in NBC's buyout, is barred from hosting another television show until September 2010, though he is currently preparing a college tour where he will speak about his experience. A safe bet places O'Brien hosting a late night show for FOX which will, through no fault of his own, probably get trounced in the ratings by Letterman and Leno.

As it stands, the one thing we can learn from this whole mess is that with the demise of The Jay Leno show, NBC will need to create five more hours of programming to fill the vacant 10:00 pm slot...

LSQ's 5-Minute Fridays: Feb. 26, 2010

Tensions are high in this minicast from the stars of The LSQ Movie Review as the LSCrew compares and contrasts Josh Duhamel and Timothy Olyphant as well as The Crazies and Cop Out.

Episode 13 - Helmets and Short-Buses

On this episode of the LSQ Movie Review Cory composes a new theme for the LSQ News Desk, Schwez lusts after Hugo Weaving... or at least his coats, Hey Zeus tries not to infect the rest of the Crew, Joe learns his primary colors, Cory casts Joe in his Godfather remake, and we kill Bill Murray. Plus, games!

2:35 - News
6:58 - The Wolfman
19:14 - Remakes
24:54 - Spot the Fake
32:52 - Degrees

Thanks to this week's sponsor The Hanso Foundation. Visit http://www.thehansofoundation.org for more information.

Special thanks to Brian Ibbott of The Coverville Podcast for assistance with the cover songs used in this episode. Listen to Coverville at http://www.coverville.com.

You can e-mail the show at lsqpodcast@gmail.com, follow us on Twitter at @LSQPodcast, and read our blog at lsqpodcast.blogspot.com.

Theme song:
New Found Glory - King of Wishful Thinking

Opening song:
Jenny Owen Youngs - Hot in Herre

LSQ's 5-Minute Fridays: Feb. 19, 2010

On this minicast from the LSQ Movie Review the LSCrew throw Kenickie a bone since no one else will while Hey Zeus battles for his identity, and the boys decide between Shutter Island and The Ghost Writer.

How I'm Going to be Rich

It's genius is in its pure simplicity… well, maybe it’s not simple but it is genius! Before I get into what my plan to retire early entails and never look back, I need to make one thing clear... it needs to be understood that I love girls. Love them, they are the bee's knees and anyone that hasn’t tried a piece of Earth’s greatest gift – the woman – needs to drop everything and give it a whirl (of course, make sure she is consenting since neither me, my lawyer, nor your anus will be responsible for what happens next if she’s not and you get thrown in prison, though I have a feeling the latter will be sorely displeased with you – yes, that was a play on words but also very true).

I’m a lover, not a fighter, always have and always will. If some "macho" man wants to spend his evening going to the bars to get his ultimate drink on and try getting his weekly aggression out on some poor fool in the wrong place at the wrong time, that’s fine. Not my style. Just know that I will be the one chatting up your lady while you flex your ego with your dude-bro hair and your Jersey Shore muscles. Women come in all different shapes and sizes with different personalities as well... generally every one of them is beautiful in some way or another.

Sometimes it’s a little harder to find the good at first glance…

Not to sound like a chauvinist pig or anything since I’m all for equal rights and am not trying to belittle women in any way, just saying that I’m a huge fan – keep up the good work ladies. It’s come to my attention, however, that fate has dropped a giant loop hole in the "get rich easy" section of life and I feel like I would be spitting in the face of destiny as well as kicking myself 30 years from now when I’m drunk, fat and alone with five dollars to my name for not taking advantage. So, it is with great pleasure that I be the first to publicly announce that I have decided to officially start dating two of my best friends: Cory and Hey Zeus.

Confused? Let me explain before you get all uppity and start writing your congressman and alerting the news media that not only am I starting a harem of dudes but that they also happen to be brothers. Maybe you’re wondering, “Hey, Schwez, I thought you were going to tell me how you were going to get rich and how come you made me waste four minutes of my life reading about how you like chicks so much when you have decided to date dudes?” Well, person that undoubtedly started reading this because they wanted to learn my secret "get rich" scheme and use it before I could, I will tell you. First off, "chicks" can be a derogatory name for women and they don’t like that much (now who's chauvinist?) so maybe you should call them"‘women," "ladies," or my favorite: "wench" (you girls can’t get mad at me for that last one... I got it from thesaurus.com when I put in "woman").

To get back to the point, what do Cory and Hey Zeus have in common? Besides having yours truly as a loving best friend, the same giant Cheshire Cat smiles, the same toolbox need to drive Jeep Grand Cherokees around despite the ever rising costs of gas and the same genes that will eventually make them look like Captain Jean Luke Picard?

You can say hair doesn’t grow on your head because your brain is so big and powerful... it's what Professor X does and try calling him bald.

They both have dated girls, whom after the break-up, have won $25,000 off a scratch ticket! Holy Schnitzel on a fucking stick! Yes, you read that correctly and more importantly, these ex love birds have one it within two months of each other. It’s almost like God was like, “Wow, ladies, I realize it must have been hard to go through what you had to so here’s some compensation for your trouble.” Fate gave them the equivalent of what divorced couples experience as "alimony!"

Now, my plan calls for me to date them both, that way, after I have dumped and left them, in what I can only imagine as large giant messes of tears and snot on the floor, I will get not just $25,000 but 2 winning lotto tickets of $25,000 – that’s $50,000 for anyone not able to perform simple 4th grade math. It’s OK, I’m the brains you can be the brawn and make sure no one weasels their way in between me and the brothers Heiple. I’ll give you 20% after the deal goes down.

Pay no attention who my mentor is. You can trust me.

Cory’s ex-girlfriend had to put in about four years of her life with him to end up with this lump sum of awesomeness while Hey Zeus’ ex put in significantly less time with just over a full year. Just to be safe we will meet in the middle of the two and I’ll date them for about two years. That’s still less time then what the Army asks for you to enlist. That’s like some stranger asking you to throw two years of your life away and at the end he will give you $50,000. I already spend time with these knuckleheads, why shouldn’t I get compensated for my time? I have even thought about how not to take it in the pooper by these guys: I’ll simply just tell them that I am waiting for marriage to give my virginity away and that they should respect and understand my position. I’ll probably even get one of those Jonas Brother purity rings to wear just to make it legit; I think they give them away for free so I won’t lose any money in the deal. And ladies, if you’re worried that you won’t be able to take two years of the Schwez being off the market (yes, I am referring myself in the 3rd person. TV bad boys have taught me girls respond well to that) don’t fret, I can always just cheat on my two boyfriends – I have needs too.

Am I a bad person for taking advantage of two of my best friends, dating them for two years with the sole goal of dumping them in the worst way possible and making a profit on their heartache with how fate and fortune rewards their ex’s? Maybe, but for $50,000 I can probably afford to take them out for a couple of lap dances to help them get over me, it’s what friends are for. You might ask yourself, “Schwez, how come you’re going to dump them in the worst way possible?” Look, kid, I’m getting really sick of you asking dumb questions, but if you must know I get bored a lot and I’ll have two years to think of how to do it; it’s like when a guy tries to get creative on how he’s going to ask the love of his life to marry him only replace love his life with two dudes I’m taking advantage of who won’t see it coming, and replace "marry" with "break up with"… I’m thinking some place public like a ball game and do it on the Jumbo Tron.

So what other thing do these two brothers, a couple of my best friends have in common? Well, after I’m done with them they both are going to feel like they have a lot of egg all over their face...

Episode 12 - Tuesday of the Dead

Neither meteorological nor technical barriers will stop the LSCrew from taking a look at From Paris with Love, indulging in a few Royales with Cheese, predicting some Oscar winners, pitting John McClaine against Danny Zucko, teaching Cory Jonathan Rhys Meyers' name as well as his own, spotlighting a new batch of trailers, considering starting our own religion, and applying to be Oscar voters.

2:12 - From Paris with Love
30:54 - Oscar picks
44:39 - Trailer Spotlight

Thanks to this week's sponsor The Academy of Tobacco Studies. Visit http://www.academy-of-tobacco-studies.de for more information.

Link Dump:
Oscar Nominations
Hot Tub Time Machine trailer
Piranha 3-D trailer
Clash of the Titans trailer
Shutter Island trailer

You can e-mail the show at lsqpodcast@gmail.com, follow us on Twitter at @LSQPodcast, and read our blog at lsqpodcast.blogspot.com.

Theme song:
New Found Glory - King of Wishful Thinking

Opening song:
Robbie Williams - Suprême

LSQ's 5-Minute Fridays: Feb. 12, 2010

In this minicast from the LSQ Movie Review Cory picks To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar, Schwez takes The Chronicles of Narnia, and Joe opts for The Mask of Zorro, while Hey Zeus choses between The Wolfman, Valentine's Day, and Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.

The Triple Standard of Bitching

Everything in this life has standards. It’s how everyone knows how things should be done, what is OK and what is not OK and what is allowed and what isn't - sociologists call these standards norms... not to be confused with everyone's favorite accountant Norm on Cheers (See, who said you can't learn anything from my column? Seriously, who said it cuz that's messed up). Then there is the infamous and always popular 'double standard' rule... I believe that's an oxymoron, which is fitting because whenever someone uses a double standard on me the word 'moron' is always the first thing that crosses my mind.

The "oxy" part of the word is lost in my brain, eternally floating around somewhere like the missing socks I lose in the dryer

Now recently, during this year’s Super Bowl, I discovered that there is something called a "triple standard." Let me explain: it’s no secret to anyone that knows me that I am a big Chicago Bears and Chicago Cubs fan, which is a good way of saying that all of my friends tend to assume I'm used to defeat... which is a true statement. The years that either one of my teams manages to get into the playoffs are great years for me; I've long dismissed dreams of winning the whole enchilada and will literally crap myself if that win ever comes in my life time (In fact my bucket list entails watching the Bears and the Cubs win the Super Bowl and World Series). It’s a very depressing affair and it’s something that Vikings fans are currently dealing with now... sorry guys, my heart goes out to you, kinda. In my time I've noticed that the worst thing about dealing with your sports team losing year after year is the fans of other teams trying desperately to cope with the loss of their own team's defeat by grinding your feelings in to the mud.

Yes, it’s a tough world out there to be a sports fan but that’s just part of the way things are. The best thing about sports is that there is always a next year, so if your team isn’t doing well you can always start looking to next year so that your heart doesn’t break so bad throughout the season. This usually ends up looking a lot like "bitching" to the other people who aren’t necessarily fans of the same team as you but that's just how being a sports fan is: I listen to you bitch as I harass you on how terrible your team played and you do the same thing to me.

Now, it has come to my attention that a friend of mine, we shall hide his identity so that he doesn’t feel picked on and call him R.O.B.B. which is an anagram for Rude, Overly Belligerent Bitching or Robb to make it easier, has deviated away from the standard bitching of sports and gone with the "double standard" of bitching about sports. In other words, he has had enough of people, specifically Bears fans (ah, yes, now you understand) complaining and coming up with excuses as to why their team didn’t do well during the season, thus instead of groaning about his own team like the rest of us, bitch about everyone bitching.

Now, this isn’t a new thing for young Master Robb. I have heard it for a couple years now. It wasn’t until his team (the Colts) made it in to the Super Bowl that I realized something. For one, I need to state that I like the Saints and the Colts; I have no quarrels with them at all and would have watched the big game with indifference on who won and lost. BUT (and you’ll notice that I capitalized the whole word but to make sure you understood that this is a BIG BUTT) I noticed that I was cheering more and more for the Saints. Not because I wanted to see the Saints win or even the Colts lose but that I was actively cheering against Robb.

It was then that I realized something as I bitched to Hey Zeus about how Robb is always bitching about Bears fans bitch that while Robb decided to ignore the "standard" bitch rule and opt for the "double standard" bitch rule, I was taking it to an entire new level and created the "triple standard" bitch rule. It was like if "standard" were mere humans and Robb was using "double standard" to become Superman, I was surpassing him and using "triple standard," thus becoming even more powerful, like Chuck Norris or Mr. T. I then wondered if the "triple standard" would ever hold up for anything else other than to defeat the evil Robb and his crazy antics. Even using the "double standard" is risky business. Take Mr. T: usually he spends most of his time “pityin’ foo's” and hanging out at the local jewelry store waiting for his half a ton gold chain necklaces to be cleaned.

He apparently is yet another victim of World of Warcraft – goodbye hopes of a Mr. T comeback...

The point is, you would never try to pity Mr. T back. While I’m not quite certain what it is Mr. T would do back at you, I don’t want to find out what “I pity the foo to the squared power” actually is. In essence, the only time that you can actually say you did a "triple standard" of anything in real life other then against Robb is if you initiated a preemptive strike on someone, like say I decided to kick my good friend Joe in the balls because I felt if I didn’t he would probably kick me in the balls. Then of course, Joe would kick me in the balls back because once you elevate anything to the point of scrotum hitting, all bets are off. This is where the "triple standard" would come in to play; where I would get pissed that Joe decided to kick me in the balls back when all I was doing was kicking him so that he wouldn't kick me – I then would lace up my giant Doc Marten work boots that I would have to borrow from Cory because I only wear sandals year round and proceed to dropkick Joe’s balls to the moon.

A lot like this, the game Battletoads was on the cutting edge of the "triple standard’" rule of nut kicking

Since using a "triple standard" rule is boarderline ridiculous and using the "double standard" rule usually makes you out to be some sort of ass or R.O.B.B., it’s become obvious to me that the norms of our culture are in place for a reason and that when you start to get annoyed with our culture and the way things are and instead try to live by your own rules and trail blaze, things start to escalate, get out of control, and before you know it your swimming up to your ears in R.O.B.B.s and people are kicking everyone in the junk. With that kind of vicious horse-play not even a nut cup can protect your family jewels from the inevitable pounding. The moral of this whole story is to understand how the norms of our society work and not become an R.O.B.B., an ass or get stuck with eggs on your face.

You got egg on your face, buddy

Cory vs. ZOMBIES!!!

Most people have planned out their lives as far out as five, maybe even ten years: marriage, job, kids, divorce, booze, hookers, depression, and brazenly wrapping their car around a telephone pole in Tennessee (in that order). Hell, I don’t even know what I’m doing tomorrow and I’ve already forgotten what I did yesterday. I’ve noticed in the last year or so not only do people need to plan ahead for the twists and turns of typical suburbia or atypical backwater voodoo orgies, but most of the general population having sprouted from the 80’s has a Zombie Apocalypse Plan or Z.A.P., as I’ll henceforth claim as my personal acronym I totally came up with by myself.

Recently, I’ve had reoccurring dreams of impending zombies ambushing this great nation and it’s forced to make me pause and ponder what my Z.A.P. would be. However, I’m not going to tell you the in’s and out’s of my plan for survival. Why? Because, I’ve come to terms with the very reality of this very fictitious situation.

I, Cory Heiple, will not be surviving the zombie apocalypse. Here’s why:

1. I work in a hospital

My current place of pretending-to-do-stuff-for-a-steady-paycheck is at a hospital pouring overweight, senile patients into wheelchairs from the Middle Ages and hauling them to and fro around the hospital. In addition to that I move patients being admitted from the E.R. to their room. Where do you take someone who has just been bitten by their friendly neighborhood zombie? The ER. Where am I? Waiting to greet that newly zombified person. Holy hell, that fact alone will make me one of the first staggering around town with a look of “This fucking blows” on.

2. My apartment would suck as an anti-zombie fortress.

Take a gander at Mr. I-Am-Legend’s stronghold. He has steel-plate timed windows and doors. Awesome… I have giant window’s very much lacking in the steel department. He has a booby-trapped lawn with floodlights. Well, I’ll still have a “lawn” but no lights flooding it because I own zero generators. He has a fucking laboratory/basement/gas chamber/morgue/pet store! I have a very crotchety old man named Paul downstairs and he is, in my opinion, probably already one of “them.”

3. I rarely fill my gas tank past half full.

This one is pretty self explanatory: I’m a cheap ass, McChicken gobbling goon. I’m hard pressed to find a day that I actually shell out the sixty bucks it takes to fill my Jeep especially in this January Midwestern weather when my boogers freeze upon exiting my vehicle. What’s worst than that? Well, zombies, but after that not much else. A well fueled vehicle well be key in escaping a zombie laden city which, friends, I will sadly not have.

4. I think I’m a much better shot than I actually am.

OK, so I’ll be brutally honest here. Up until last year I thought I was one hell of a shot when it comes to a gun. I was raised a slayer of all furry critters so a shotgun is naturally the weapon of choice giving me the greatest edge over my unarmed prey, be it a deer, duck, pheasant, or ginger kid. Now what happened last December made me realize I won’t stand a chance when shit hits the proverbial fan. I was doing the traditional Elmer Fudd impression when a big ol’ buck comes hauling ass in my general direction. I fire all five shots at it and miss every single one. OK, whatever, it caught me by surprise and it was running fast enough to give the DeLorean a run for its money, but that’s not my biggest concern. After all five shots had been slung, the fucker stops twenty yards away from me and looks me dead in the eye with a. “Hey, fuck you pal! I’m runnin’ here…. Fuckin’ shootin’ shit at me,” look. I fumbled, shakily, trying to reload the shotgun so I could quickly end this jive ass deer’s life but dropped not one, but two shells in doing so and by the time I had reloaded he was long gone. I was so rattled by the opportunity to kill something harmless I couldn’t reload quickly enough. Why should my reaction be any different when the thing I’m shooting at is actually trying to gnaw on my tender face? Oh and a deer’s torso, yeah, 'tis a much larger target than a zombie’s head.

5. I honestly don’t know anyone badass enough to keep other people alive.

If you look at the Dawn of the Dead remake, Zombieland, and basically any zombie movie for that matter, what’s one thing they usually have in common? Other than zombies, dumbass. They have a honest to goodness, badass in the form of Ving Rhames or Woody Harrelson. Do you know a Ving Rhames or a Woody Harrelson? I didn’t think so. Neither do I.

Got all that? Let’s pretend that zombies are in our midst tomorrow and it all goes to hell very quickly. I’ll most likely be at work when this happens because that building owns ¾’s of my soul and I’m too lazy to fight back. Let’s say I make it out of there unscathed. Where do I go? I can’t go home; that place blows. I can barely drive anywhere potentially safe because I’d be lucky to have just recently filled the tank to the halfway line, which in my gas guzzling Jeep will get me, oh say, an hour or two’s solid cryfest away from the hospital. I could go find a gun, but hey, that’s probably just a security blanket more than a weapon. Who do I meet up with? No one, because everyone else will be brainlessly believing they are going to survive this shit storm out on top. Therefore, my Z.A.P. is to become a zombie as quickly as possible so I may bite, terrorize, and scare the ever-loving shit out of every one I’ve ever loved and cared about and those I can’t fucking stand. Good luck, suckers!

Episode 11 - The British Use Kilobeans

The LSCrew is at full-strength with Schwez's return as the panel talks about Edge of Darkness, announces some exciting news, gets some knowledge dropped on them about radioactivity, Cory asks everybody (multiple times) if they've seen Fallen, they learn what not to wear when getting shot, Schwez knights Heath Ledger, they find out when the Revolutionary War was not, we frame Leonard Nimoy for murder, and the Crew gets some much needed upgrades. Plus, games!

3:05 - Announcements
5:21 - Edge of Darkness
51:06 - The Patriot
52:27 - Signs
53:24 - Braveheart
53:56 - We Were Soldiers
55:03 - Reboot Recast
1:06:00 - Hey Zeus' LSQ Scenario

Thanks to this weeks sponsor InGen. Visit
http://www.lost-world.com/ingen/index.html for more information.

You can e-mail the show at lsqpodcast@gmail.com, follow us on Twitter at @LSQPodcast, and read our blog at lsqpodcast.blogspot.com.

Theme song:
New Found Glory - King of Wishful Thinking

Opening song:
The Beatles - Birthday

LSQ's 5-Minute Fridays: Feb. 5, 2010

In this minicast from the LSCrew Cory gets ahold of Hey Zeus' notes and tries to get ahold of his identity while Joe renames John Travolta, Schwez has unanswered questions about tattoos and the panel picks between Dear John and From Paris with Love.

Birthdays, Narcissism and Jackie Chan

What is 26? It’s a number obviously. Its how many letters the English alphabet has. 26 is the gematric number of the God Yahweh. Michigan is the 26th State of the United States (Wikipedia didn’t really have much information on 26). But it is also how old yours truly just turned on his birthday. To be honest, when you turn 26 nothing happens, all the fun is said and done with turning another year older. Let’s be honest, at 14 you got your driver's permit which leads to 16 when you finally get you driver's license. It’s at 18 that your considered an adult and can buy tobacco and throw your money at the Powerball Lotto. Magic number 21, as we all know, is the year you can start drinking.

It’s around then that things start going downhill. At 23 you can finally understand what Blink-182 was singing about when they said ‘Nobody likes you when you 23’ and 25 is when your car insurance goes down. HA-ZAH! But at 26 you are now officially considered an active adult in society. Your binge drinking is no longer looked at as "kids having fun" like they did when you were 21, but is now referred to as "alcoholism," and apparently that is looked down on. According to Sexperts, at 26, I am now currently well passed my sexual prime and that’s pretty nifty to think about. Next stop – Penile Erection Disorder! Even though turning 26 has no positive rewards besides the mountains of cards that you now receive with *SPOILER ALERT* no money or gifts cards hidden inside, it’s still a fairly happy affair – that doesn’t turn sour till around 40 I’m told.

With the passing of my birthday yesterday - in which I spent most the day reminding anyone that would listen that it was indeed my birthday and thanking them for asking (I didn't care if the grocer had just asked that or was simply trying to ask me, "paper or plastic" so she could get my stupid grinning like an idiot face away from her) - I realize that birthdays might be one of the most narcissistic practices known on the planet. What's best is everyone accepts the tool bag next to them at the bar yelling and shouting about how "this is my day, biotches" because (and this is the best part) they will eventually at some point in the next 365 days be able to be "that guy" soon enough. The very concept is so pants-shittingly crazy that you would expect only Americans to practice this. However, I do believe that Europe and the Chinese celebrate birthdays, but who knows; there is evidence to support that maybe they don't.

Think about it...Jackie Chan is from China and while yes we do know that he's in his 50's, do we know if America just slapped an age on him the minute he crossed on to our land because "that's just how we roll?" If we dissect Chan's life we notice some distinct differences from how the average American spends their time. The most notable of these is that Jackie Chan spends the better part of his day doing insane stunts and tricks that we only thought we could do with our best friends outside playing when we were five. The fact that he is able to do the majority of the things he does is because he has no idea that a grown man is not supposed to be flipping and flying through the air while beating people up with a step ladder he saw you using as he came in the room. His whole career is exactly how I wanted to live my life when I was four right down to the heavy amount of action with little or no story plot...it’s like he has A.D.D. and no one has the heart to tell him. This supports my point that Jackie Chan has no idea how old he is. It’s what I like to call the 'Jackie Chan Defense'.

Which is different then the 'Jackie Chan Offense' where he uses this toothbrush to kill gingivitis and your entire family...

Does this mean that if we didn’t give ourselves age restrictions that we could all act and do what we wanted to do when we were little? This is a possible scenario but think how crazy our world would be if that were true. We would be swimming in superheroes falling to their deaths because they thought they could fly, trigger-happy cowboys, soldiers with an infinite supply of hand grenades, and fighter pilots that all had the same radio name of Maverick. Our lives would definitely be a lot more exciting but nothing would ever get done. No one wants to grow up to be a janitor, a politician or even a businessman but aside from the douche-bags on Wall Street, we do still need people to fill these positions for our society to run how it does. I mean, if we had a million Jackie Chan’s running around I don’t think I would have made it to my 26th birthday without eating a bullet.

It would have been a bullet covered in razor wire shot from a laser gun mounted on my arm

The point is, while birthdays are a narcissistic holiday it has good reason to be celebrated. After all, everyone needs to be reminded of their age and everyone needs their time in the sun, even that loud obnoxious drunk at the end of the bar that insists on trying to lead everyone in a group sing-along of "You’ve Lost that Lovin Feeling" (was that two Top Gun references in one post? YEE-UP). So, with that said, it gives me great pleasure to announce that yesterday was my birthday and I demand everyone’s respect and attention since I didn’t get it yesterday. You might be asking yourself, “but Schwez, I’m reading this blog, you do have my undivided attention.” Well…umm…that’s a really good point I just made for you. You're welcome. But it’s not your birthday, and unless your birthday’s tomorrow mine is the closest one from today, so you’ll be getting no more credit for points made for you by me. I want you to give me not only your undivided attention but also your multiplied attention.

Does his power rest in his creepy face, his hypnotic eyes or the fact that you can't look away from his shiny

forehead? That question is the reason he has you under his power and not the other way around.

Now that I have it…I don’t really want it. That’s called a ‘Birthday Requested SNAP’.

New DVD's I have watched for January (These are movies I hadn't seen before) :

Adventureland 6/10

The Hurt Locker 9/10

The Taking of Pelham 123 8/10

Killshot 7/10

Extract 9/10

How to be a Serial Killer 3/10

Public Enemies 8/10

Gamer 6/10

Pandorum 10/10

Inglourious Basterds 6/10

Land of the Lost 8/10

Night at the Museum 2 6/10

Alien Raiders 5/10

Unknown 8/10

The Dog Problem

Whose Leg Do You Have to Hump to Get a Good Movie Around Here?

Since this is my first article for the Hump Day Movie Review and that the title of my bi-weekly article is stolen from a Family Guy quote, I will be reviewing "The Dog Problem" This movie is written and directed by Scott Caan. who you might remember in the Ocean's movies and other various projects. I do have to say that after watching this movie I respect him as a director and writer now. I think he is a good actor as well, but this movie opened my eyes to his full potential.

Solo (Giovanni Ribisi) is a neurotic author who on the last day of visiting his psychologist, who is Don Cheadle, it is suggested by Don that Solo get a pet. Solo, seeking an answer to his despair and lack of human love rushes out to go buy a dog. At this point we are introduced to Solo's best friend Casper (Scott Caan). Scott plays Casper well, but it seems like Casper is just the same Scott character that he has played in other movies.

Solo finds his dog, a small dog, but a dog none the less. He has never cared for anything besides himself and a dog is just a little too much to handle. Thinking this dog is too much of a burden to bear, Casper sends him to a friend. A rich white girl Jules (Mena Suvari ( I would hump her leg any day)) who takes care of puppies and then just gives them away. Solo after meeting her decides he wants to keep the dog.

Now one morning we are introduced to Benny, someone Solo owes money to. After Benny's very angry lecture about Solo Spending Benny's money he wants to take the dog from Solo. Solo convinces him that he should be the only owner of the dog.

One day in a dog park, after giving his dog a pep talk and telling him to man up, Solo meets a pretty lady. After a brief awkward exchange we find out her name is Lola (Lynn Collins(I would also hump her leg)) Lola's dog attacks Solo's dog and sends them on a trip to the vet. Unfortunately Solo is broke as a joke and can't afford to pay for it.

So what we have here is a recipe for a fun, light-hearted, love comedy about a person who discovers a depth for caring for other people and a dog.

One question before I go. When your watching this movie and I know you will cause I recommended it. Near the end, doesn't it look like she did it?