There’s a general rule of thumb when you’ve paid over thirty bucks to see one of your favorite or even not-so-favorite bands play their hearts out on stage: don’t be a dick. It’s fairly simple really. Someone should look into handing out complimentary "What Would Jesus Do" bracelets changed to read DBAD as a helpful reminder when tearing their tickets. Now, an astute observer would say “Hey, that helpful bracelet reminder sounds an awful lot like 'Be Bad!' Not ‘don’t be a dick!’”, and if you made that observation, well, ignore that because these people are not nearly as astute as you. *Thumbs up!* Also, if it reads DBAD, you can adjust the acronym to your liking: don’t be a douche, don’t be a dummy, don’t be a dumb-dick, etc.
I’ve been doing concert security for almost seven years and I would like to think I know what I’m doing by now. You’d be amazed at how many people would like to argue this point with me. Since I do very much know what I’m doing (and I even know what you should not be doing) I’ll take the time to make a brief guide to surviving a concert, because you, sir, don’t have a clue.
Chapter 1: The Pat Down
Almost every concert I do security for requires every single person to be frisked, which is sadly not nearly as enjoyable for me as it sounds. Go to your next rock concert in town and you’ll see what I mean. Here are the tips to making it past me as soon as you step inside the door:
A. Don’t bring weapons.
One would think weapons are obviously a very, very bad idea to bring. At which point is a knife something you absolutely need to listen to music? While I understand that in the Midwest, carrying a pocketknife is next on the checklist to have on your person (right after chewin’ tobaccie and corncob pipe) it is not recommended for a concert. I’ll take it from you because you don’t need it, so don’t get all huffy and puffy about it. You’ve had fair warning.
Not everyone brings a just a pocketknife; I’ve scored switchblades (illegal) and hunting knives longer than your favorite gay porn star (unnecessary?). While I’ve never confiscated a gun, I have taken a large lighter in the form of a revolver, and I think I did this guy a favor. I can imagine him taking that out to light a cigarette and getting tackled by nearly every security guard, police officer, and probably a few concert goers as well. You’re welcome!
B. Don’t bring drugs.
OK, this one is a little harder to enforce as people are quite clever and desperate to smoke a J at a concert. I get it. You were probably spawned in a sweaty, smoky Volkswagen van while your parents blared Hendrix; it’s in your genes. But, really now, how desperately do you need to be high? I’ve taken more than five joints off of one guy, ONE FRIGGIN’GUY! If you don’t want to remember the concert that badly, don’t go! Stay home, smoke a bowl, order a pizza, get some Funyuns, Cheetos, Doritos, and burritos. And water… a whole lot of water. Or, you can smoke a lot right before you get there and leave your stash at home; I don’t care. But know in advance that I’ll take it if I find it. No, I’m not a narc, and no it’s not for myself. I’m just doing my job. Deal with it sucka!
C. Don’t wear chains or spikes.
So you think you’re pretty cool with all that bling don’t ya? Congratulations, you look like a toolbag (Sorry, DJ)! Can’t have that either, and this is to my personal benefit, which I will get to in part two.
D. Please shower and wear clean clothes, for once.
If you reek of sweat, welfare, and Steel Reserve and you haven’t even entered the sweaty mass of grossness yet, I really wouldn't want to be around your funk once you leave. Patting down means I have to physically put my hands on you, and if they keep sliding off (even with my gloves on) it's time to have a nice long look in mirror, which incidentally you have in your bathroom, right next to the shower.
Stay tuned for Part 2!
