LSQ's 5-Minute Fridays: Feb. 5, 2010

In this minicast from the LSCrew Cory gets ahold of Hey Zeus' notes and tries to get ahold of his identity while Joe renames John Travolta, Schwez has unanswered questions about tattoos and the panel picks between Dear John and From Paris with Love.

Birthdays, Narcissism and Jackie Chan

What is 26? It’s a number obviously. Its how many letters the English alphabet has. 26 is the gematric number of the God Yahweh. Michigan is the 26th State of the United States (Wikipedia didn’t really have much information on 26). But it is also how old yours truly just turned on his birthday. To be honest, when you turn 26 nothing happens, all the fun is said and done with turning another year older. Let’s be honest, at 14 you got your driver's permit which leads to 16 when you finally get you driver's license. It’s at 18 that your considered an adult and can buy tobacco and throw your money at the Powerball Lotto. Magic number 21, as we all know, is the year you can start drinking.

It’s around then that things start going downhill. At 23 you can finally understand what Blink-182 was singing about when they said ‘Nobody likes you when you 23’ and 25 is when your car insurance goes down. HA-ZAH! But at 26 you are now officially considered an active adult in society. Your binge drinking is no longer looked at as "kids having fun" like they did when you were 21, but is now referred to as "alcoholism," and apparently that is looked down on. According to Sexperts, at 26, I am now currently well passed my sexual prime and that’s pretty nifty to think about. Next stop – Penile Erection Disorder! Even though turning 26 has no positive rewards besides the mountains of cards that you now receive with *SPOILER ALERT* no money or gifts cards hidden inside, it’s still a fairly happy affair – that doesn’t turn sour till around 40 I’m told.

With the passing of my birthday yesterday - in which I spent most the day reminding anyone that would listen that it was indeed my birthday and thanking them for asking (I didn't care if the grocer had just asked that or was simply trying to ask me, "paper or plastic" so she could get my stupid grinning like an idiot face away from her) - I realize that birthdays might be one of the most narcissistic practices known on the planet. What's best is everyone accepts the tool bag next to them at the bar yelling and shouting about how "this is my day, biotches" because (and this is the best part) they will eventually at some point in the next 365 days be able to be "that guy" soon enough. The very concept is so pants-shittingly crazy that you would expect only Americans to practice this. However, I do believe that Europe and the Chinese celebrate birthdays, but who knows; there is evidence to support that maybe they don't.

Think about it...Jackie Chan is from China and while yes we do know that he's in his 50's, do we know if America just slapped an age on him the minute he crossed on to our land because "that's just how we roll?" If we dissect Chan's life we notice some distinct differences from how the average American spends their time. The most notable of these is that Jackie Chan spends the better part of his day doing insane stunts and tricks that we only thought we could do with our best friends outside playing when we were five. The fact that he is able to do the majority of the things he does is because he has no idea that a grown man is not supposed to be flipping and flying through the air while beating people up with a step ladder he saw you using as he came in the room. His whole career is exactly how I wanted to live my life when I was four right down to the heavy amount of action with little or no story plot...it’s like he has A.D.D. and no one has the heart to tell him. This supports my point that Jackie Chan has no idea how old he is. It’s what I like to call the 'Jackie Chan Defense'.

Which is different then the 'Jackie Chan Offense' where he uses this toothbrush to kill gingivitis and your entire family...

Does this mean that if we didn’t give ourselves age restrictions that we could all act and do what we wanted to do when we were little? This is a possible scenario but think how crazy our world would be if that were true. We would be swimming in superheroes falling to their deaths because they thought they could fly, trigger-happy cowboys, soldiers with an infinite supply of hand grenades, and fighter pilots that all had the same radio name of Maverick. Our lives would definitely be a lot more exciting but nothing would ever get done. No one wants to grow up to be a janitor, a politician or even a businessman but aside from the douche-bags on Wall Street, we do still need people to fill these positions for our society to run how it does. I mean, if we had a million Jackie Chan’s running around I don’t think I would have made it to my 26th birthday without eating a bullet.

It would have been a bullet covered in razor wire shot from a laser gun mounted on my arm

The point is, while birthdays are a narcissistic holiday it has good reason to be celebrated. After all, everyone needs to be reminded of their age and everyone needs their time in the sun, even that loud obnoxious drunk at the end of the bar that insists on trying to lead everyone in a group sing-along of "You’ve Lost that Lovin Feeling" (was that two Top Gun references in one post? YEE-UP). So, with that said, it gives me great pleasure to announce that yesterday was my birthday and I demand everyone’s respect and attention since I didn’t get it yesterday. You might be asking yourself, “but Schwez, I’m reading this blog, you do have my undivided attention.” Well…umm…that’s a really good point I just made for you. You're welcome. But it’s not your birthday, and unless your birthday’s tomorrow mine is the closest one from today, so you’ll be getting no more credit for points made for you by me. I want you to give me not only your undivided attention but also your multiplied attention.

Does his power rest in his creepy face, his hypnotic eyes or the fact that you can't look away from his shiny

forehead? That question is the reason he has you under his power and not the other way around.

Now that I have it…I don’t really want it. That’s called a ‘Birthday Requested SNAP’.

New DVD's I have watched for January (These are movies I hadn't seen before) :

Adventureland 6/10

The Hurt Locker 9/10

The Taking of Pelham 123 8/10

Killshot 7/10

Extract 9/10

How to be a Serial Killer 3/10

Public Enemies 8/10

Gamer 6/10

Pandorum 10/10

Inglourious Basterds 6/10

Land of the Lost 8/10

Night at the Museum 2 6/10

Alien Raiders 5/10

Unknown 8/10