LSQ's 5-Minute Fridays: Feb. 26, 2010

Tensions are high in this minicast from the stars of The LSQ Movie Review as the LSCrew compares and contrasts Josh Duhamel and Timothy Olyphant as well as The Crazies and Cop Out.

Episode 13 - Helmets and Short-Buses

On this episode of the LSQ Movie Review Cory composes a new theme for the LSQ News Desk, Schwez lusts after Hugo Weaving... or at least his coats, Hey Zeus tries not to infect the rest of the Crew, Joe learns his primary colors, Cory casts Joe in his Godfather remake, and we kill Bill Murray. Plus, games!

2:35 - News
6:58 - The Wolfman
19:14 - Remakes
24:54 - Spot the Fake
32:52 - Degrees

Thanks to this week's sponsor The Hanso Foundation. Visit http://www.thehansofoundation.org for more information.

Special thanks to Brian Ibbott of The Coverville Podcast for assistance with the cover songs used in this episode. Listen to Coverville at http://www.coverville.com.

You can e-mail the show at lsqpodcast@gmail.com, follow us on Twitter at @LSQPodcast, and read our blog at lsqpodcast.blogspot.com.

Theme song:
New Found Glory - King of Wishful Thinking

Opening song:
Jenny Owen Youngs - Hot in Herre

LSQ's 5-Minute Fridays: Feb. 19, 2010

On this minicast from the LSQ Movie Review the LSCrew throw Kenickie a bone since no one else will while Hey Zeus battles for his identity, and the boys decide between Shutter Island and The Ghost Writer.

How I'm Going to be Rich

It's genius is in its pure simplicity… well, maybe it’s not simple but it is genius! Before I get into what my plan to retire early entails and never look back, I need to make one thing clear... it needs to be understood that I love girls. Love them, they are the bee's knees and anyone that hasn’t tried a piece of Earth’s greatest gift – the woman – needs to drop everything and give it a whirl (of course, make sure she is consenting since neither me, my lawyer, nor your anus will be responsible for what happens next if she’s not and you get thrown in prison, though I have a feeling the latter will be sorely displeased with you – yes, that was a play on words but also very true).

I’m a lover, not a fighter, always have and always will. If some "macho" man wants to spend his evening going to the bars to get his ultimate drink on and try getting his weekly aggression out on some poor fool in the wrong place at the wrong time, that’s fine. Not my style. Just know that I will be the one chatting up your lady while you flex your ego with your dude-bro hair and your Jersey Shore muscles. Women come in all different shapes and sizes with different personalities as well... generally every one of them is beautiful in some way or another.

Sometimes it’s a little harder to find the good at first glance…

Not to sound like a chauvinist pig or anything since I’m all for equal rights and am not trying to belittle women in any way, just saying that I’m a huge fan – keep up the good work ladies. It’s come to my attention, however, that fate has dropped a giant loop hole in the "get rich easy" section of life and I feel like I would be spitting in the face of destiny as well as kicking myself 30 years from now when I’m drunk, fat and alone with five dollars to my name for not taking advantage. So, it is with great pleasure that I be the first to publicly announce that I have decided to officially start dating two of my best friends: Cory and Hey Zeus.

Confused? Let me explain before you get all uppity and start writing your congressman and alerting the news media that not only am I starting a harem of dudes but that they also happen to be brothers. Maybe you’re wondering, “Hey, Schwez, I thought you were going to tell me how you were going to get rich and how come you made me waste four minutes of my life reading about how you like chicks so much when you have decided to date dudes?” Well, person that undoubtedly started reading this because they wanted to learn my secret "get rich" scheme and use it before I could, I will tell you. First off, "chicks" can be a derogatory name for women and they don’t like that much (now who's chauvinist?) so maybe you should call them"‘women," "ladies," or my favorite: "wench" (you girls can’t get mad at me for that last one... I got it from thesaurus.com when I put in "woman").

To get back to the point, what do Cory and Hey Zeus have in common? Besides having yours truly as a loving best friend, the same giant Cheshire Cat smiles, the same toolbox need to drive Jeep Grand Cherokees around despite the ever rising costs of gas and the same genes that will eventually make them look like Captain Jean Luke Picard?

You can say hair doesn’t grow on your head because your brain is so big and powerful... it's what Professor X does and try calling him bald.

They both have dated girls, whom after the break-up, have won $25,000 off a scratch ticket! Holy Schnitzel on a fucking stick! Yes, you read that correctly and more importantly, these ex love birds have one it within two months of each other. It’s almost like God was like, “Wow, ladies, I realize it must have been hard to go through what you had to so here’s some compensation for your trouble.” Fate gave them the equivalent of what divorced couples experience as "alimony!"

Now, my plan calls for me to date them both, that way, after I have dumped and left them, in what I can only imagine as large giant messes of tears and snot on the floor, I will get not just $25,000 but 2 winning lotto tickets of $25,000 – that’s $50,000 for anyone not able to perform simple 4th grade math. It’s OK, I’m the brains you can be the brawn and make sure no one weasels their way in between me and the brothers Heiple. I’ll give you 20% after the deal goes down.

Pay no attention who my mentor is. You can trust me.

Cory’s ex-girlfriend had to put in about four years of her life with him to end up with this lump sum of awesomeness while Hey Zeus’ ex put in significantly less time with just over a full year. Just to be safe we will meet in the middle of the two and I’ll date them for about two years. That’s still less time then what the Army asks for you to enlist. That’s like some stranger asking you to throw two years of your life away and at the end he will give you $50,000. I already spend time with these knuckleheads, why shouldn’t I get compensated for my time? I have even thought about how not to take it in the pooper by these guys: I’ll simply just tell them that I am waiting for marriage to give my virginity away and that they should respect and understand my position. I’ll probably even get one of those Jonas Brother purity rings to wear just to make it legit; I think they give them away for free so I won’t lose any money in the deal. And ladies, if you’re worried that you won’t be able to take two years of the Schwez being off the market (yes, I am referring myself in the 3rd person. TV bad boys have taught me girls respond well to that) don’t fret, I can always just cheat on my two boyfriends – I have needs too.

Am I a bad person for taking advantage of two of my best friends, dating them for two years with the sole goal of dumping them in the worst way possible and making a profit on their heartache with how fate and fortune rewards their ex’s? Maybe, but for $50,000 I can probably afford to take them out for a couple of lap dances to help them get over me, it’s what friends are for. You might ask yourself, “Schwez, how come you’re going to dump them in the worst way possible?” Look, kid, I’m getting really sick of you asking dumb questions, but if you must know I get bored a lot and I’ll have two years to think of how to do it; it’s like when a guy tries to get creative on how he’s going to ask the love of his life to marry him only replace love his life with two dudes I’m taking advantage of who won’t see it coming, and replace "marry" with "break up with"… I’m thinking some place public like a ball game and do it on the Jumbo Tron.

So what other thing do these two brothers, a couple of my best friends have in common? Well, after I’m done with them they both are going to feel like they have a lot of egg all over their face...

Episode 12 - Tuesday of the Dead

Neither meteorological nor technical barriers will stop the LSCrew from taking a look at From Paris with Love, indulging in a few Royales with Cheese, predicting some Oscar winners, pitting John McClaine against Danny Zucko, teaching Cory Jonathan Rhys Meyers' name as well as his own, spotlighting a new batch of trailers, considering starting our own religion, and applying to be Oscar voters.

2:12 - From Paris with Love
30:54 - Oscar picks
44:39 - Trailer Spotlight

Thanks to this week's sponsor The Academy of Tobacco Studies. Visit http://www.academy-of-tobacco-studies.de for more information.

Link Dump:
Oscar Nominations
Hot Tub Time Machine trailer
Piranha 3-D trailer
Clash of the Titans trailer
Shutter Island trailer

You can e-mail the show at lsqpodcast@gmail.com, follow us on Twitter at @LSQPodcast, and read our blog at lsqpodcast.blogspot.com.

Theme song:
New Found Glory - King of Wishful Thinking

Opening song:
Robbie Williams - Suprême

LSQ's 5-Minute Fridays: Feb. 12, 2010

In this minicast from the LSQ Movie Review Cory picks To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar, Schwez takes The Chronicles of Narnia, and Joe opts for The Mask of Zorro, while Hey Zeus choses between The Wolfman, Valentine's Day, and Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.

The Triple Standard of Bitching

Everything in this life has standards. It’s how everyone knows how things should be done, what is OK and what is not OK and what is allowed and what isn't - sociologists call these standards norms... not to be confused with everyone's favorite accountant Norm on Cheers (See, who said you can't learn anything from my column? Seriously, who said it cuz that's messed up). Then there is the infamous and always popular 'double standard' rule... I believe that's an oxymoron, which is fitting because whenever someone uses a double standard on me the word 'moron' is always the first thing that crosses my mind.

The "oxy" part of the word is lost in my brain, eternally floating around somewhere like the missing socks I lose in the dryer

Now recently, during this year’s Super Bowl, I discovered that there is something called a "triple standard." Let me explain: it’s no secret to anyone that knows me that I am a big Chicago Bears and Chicago Cubs fan, which is a good way of saying that all of my friends tend to assume I'm used to defeat... which is a true statement. The years that either one of my teams manages to get into the playoffs are great years for me; I've long dismissed dreams of winning the whole enchilada and will literally crap myself if that win ever comes in my life time (In fact my bucket list entails watching the Bears and the Cubs win the Super Bowl and World Series). It’s a very depressing affair and it’s something that Vikings fans are currently dealing with now... sorry guys, my heart goes out to you, kinda. In my time I've noticed that the worst thing about dealing with your sports team losing year after year is the fans of other teams trying desperately to cope with the loss of their own team's defeat by grinding your feelings in to the mud.

Yes, it’s a tough world out there to be a sports fan but that’s just part of the way things are. The best thing about sports is that there is always a next year, so if your team isn’t doing well you can always start looking to next year so that your heart doesn’t break so bad throughout the season. This usually ends up looking a lot like "bitching" to the other people who aren’t necessarily fans of the same team as you but that's just how being a sports fan is: I listen to you bitch as I harass you on how terrible your team played and you do the same thing to me.

Now, it has come to my attention that a friend of mine, we shall hide his identity so that he doesn’t feel picked on and call him R.O.B.B. which is an anagram for Rude, Overly Belligerent Bitching or Robb to make it easier, has deviated away from the standard bitching of sports and gone with the "double standard" of bitching about sports. In other words, he has had enough of people, specifically Bears fans (ah, yes, now you understand) complaining and coming up with excuses as to why their team didn’t do well during the season, thus instead of groaning about his own team like the rest of us, bitch about everyone bitching.

Now, this isn’t a new thing for young Master Robb. I have heard it for a couple years now. It wasn’t until his team (the Colts) made it in to the Super Bowl that I realized something. For one, I need to state that I like the Saints and the Colts; I have no quarrels with them at all and would have watched the big game with indifference on who won and lost. BUT (and you’ll notice that I capitalized the whole word but to make sure you understood that this is a BIG BUTT) I noticed that I was cheering more and more for the Saints. Not because I wanted to see the Saints win or even the Colts lose but that I was actively cheering against Robb.

It was then that I realized something as I bitched to Hey Zeus about how Robb is always bitching about Bears fans bitch that while Robb decided to ignore the "standard" bitch rule and opt for the "double standard" bitch rule, I was taking it to an entire new level and created the "triple standard" bitch rule. It was like if "standard" were mere humans and Robb was using "double standard" to become Superman, I was surpassing him and using "triple standard," thus becoming even more powerful, like Chuck Norris or Mr. T. I then wondered if the "triple standard" would ever hold up for anything else other than to defeat the evil Robb and his crazy antics. Even using the "double standard" is risky business. Take Mr. T: usually he spends most of his time “pityin’ foo's” and hanging out at the local jewelry store waiting for his half a ton gold chain necklaces to be cleaned.

He apparently is yet another victim of World of Warcraft – goodbye hopes of a Mr. T comeback...

The point is, you would never try to pity Mr. T back. While I’m not quite certain what it is Mr. T would do back at you, I don’t want to find out what “I pity the foo to the squared power” actually is. In essence, the only time that you can actually say you did a "triple standard" of anything in real life other then against Robb is if you initiated a preemptive strike on someone, like say I decided to kick my good friend Joe in the balls because I felt if I didn’t he would probably kick me in the balls. Then of course, Joe would kick me in the balls back because once you elevate anything to the point of scrotum hitting, all bets are off. This is where the "triple standard" would come in to play; where I would get pissed that Joe decided to kick me in the balls back when all I was doing was kicking him so that he wouldn't kick me – I then would lace up my giant Doc Marten work boots that I would have to borrow from Cory because I only wear sandals year round and proceed to dropkick Joe’s balls to the moon.

A lot like this, the game Battletoads was on the cutting edge of the "triple standard’" rule of nut kicking

Since using a "triple standard" rule is boarderline ridiculous and using the "double standard" rule usually makes you out to be some sort of ass or R.O.B.B., it’s become obvious to me that the norms of our culture are in place for a reason and that when you start to get annoyed with our culture and the way things are and instead try to live by your own rules and trail blaze, things start to escalate, get out of control, and before you know it your swimming up to your ears in R.O.B.B.s and people are kicking everyone in the junk. With that kind of vicious horse-play not even a nut cup can protect your family jewels from the inevitable pounding. The moral of this whole story is to understand how the norms of our society work and not become an R.O.B.B., an ass or get stuck with eggs on your face.

You got egg on your face, buddy